


Watching You, Watching Me, Watching You

by trippedandfellintopurgatory



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Characters Watching Supernatural, Crowley Ships it, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Castiel/Dean Winchester, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Sam Ships It, Slow Burn, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2018-12-01 05:40:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 31,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11479803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trippedandfellintopurgatory/pseuds/trippedandfellintopurgatory
Summary: “Crowley I swear if you woke me up just to tell me that Heaven has inter-universe Netflix… I might actually stab you right now”, Crowley just stares at him as if he’s missing something glaringly obvious.“And to think I always thought you were the brains of the Winchester duo” Crowley says to his coffee mug and Sam huffs as he gets up to put his now empty mug in the sink “as I was sitting there, flicking through the various titles and minding my own business, up popped your pretty face – right there on the television – and can you think why?”After a long pause Sam carefully lowers his mug into the sink and turns back to face Crowley, with wide eyes he whispers “Supernatural”“Bingo”





	1. Not A Neighbourly House Call

Brrrrp brrp  
Brrrrp brrp

The phone vibrates persistently against the hard wood of the bedside table as Sam opens one eye and looks blearily across the bed to where he can see the face of his phone lit up in the dark room. He doesn’t know what time it is and he doesn’t care, he just knows he wants to be asleep. He should just ignore the call and check the message in the morning…

Brrrrp brrp

Unless it’s someone who needs help. Unless someone needs him right now.

Brrrrp brrp

Unless waiting till morning would mean waiting too long…

Brrrrp brrp

Sighing, he half rolls and reaches for the phone – answering, without checking the caller ID – he puts it to his ear “hello?”

“Rise and shine Moose!”

“Crowley?” Sam groans, immediately disappointed that he answered the call, it’s too early to be talking to the king of Hell and Crowley sounds too eager for there to be any immediate danger. Although, any instance that causes Crowley to be excited probably doesn’t bode well for anyone else. He pulls the phone from his ear to squint at the bright screen “Crowley it’s three AM”

“That it is Samuel, I’m proud of you, you finally learnt to tell the time; just like every other five year-old”

“Ok, I’m gonna hang up n-“

“No Sam wait! I have something that I think you’d be very, VERY interested in”

“Can’t it wait till a reasonable time? Like when the sun is up?” like when I’m not in my pyjamas he thinks to himself

“Look, as sorry as I am about interrupting your precious beauty sleep, I think that your luscious locks will survive just this once; let me in so we can talk in person, Castiel must have re-activated the warding”

Scrubbing his free hand across his face in the dark Sam sighs internally, he should have known that a good eight hours’ sleep would be too much to ask. As much as he doesn’t want to give Crowley the satisfaction of actually rising to his bait, he knows he won’t be able to fall asleep again. So he curtly tells the pompous demon to wait while he powers down the warding and within a few minutes he has shuffled up the stairs to the front door of the bunker. Standing in the doorway in his pyjamas, a pair of flat slippers and an irritated expression, Sam looks exasperatedly out into the empty night.

“Crowley?!” he half shouts, acutely aware that Dean is asleep downstairs and Cas is… well Cas is somewhere and Sam isn’t sure he wants to be disturbed after his latest near-death experience. He’s probably hauled up in some deep recess of the bunker, trying to find new clues in the map he’d constructed around Kelly Kline. “Crowley?!” he calls again, more aggressively this time, still no answer. Grumbling to himself about rude-ass bloody demons he pulls his phone from the pocket of his sweat pants and is half way through searching his contacts when-

“Down here Samantha!”

Looking towards the sky and asking Chuck (and Amara for good measure) for patience, Sam turns to see Crowley already relaxing in a chair by the war table. “Crowley what the hell is this about?” Sam barks, properly annoyed now as he clumps back down the stair case, “it better be good”.

“Do I seem the type to make neighbourly house calls? Of course it’s good” Crowley says most of this to Sam’s back as he heads towards the kitchen. Eventually, when it seems that Sam is in no hurry to return, he rolls his eyes and gets up to follow him. “hasn’t your mother taught you any manners in the months she’s been back? I was talking to you”

“And I’m going to need some coffee before I start listening” Sam retorts, moving from switching on the kettle to open the cupboard that holds their vast collection of mugs, Dean’s taken to referring to it as the ‘mug-board’ probably to annoy Sam more than anything. Once they’re both settled across the kitchen counter with a pot of coffee and two steaming mugs between them, Crowley’s sweetened with enough sugar to make Sam grimace, he speaks again. “so what’s this about Crowley?”

“Well I’ll save you the boring business details, long story short there’s been a small dispute between Heaven and Hell regarding the ownership of a few dozen souls. Apparently one of my crossroads demons has been making some special deals with his clients, added an extra clause to the contract. If, at the end of the decade, the poor sod who sold their soul can produce an item of interest to the demon in question then they’ll get the express straight upstairs instead of down” he pauses, sipping his coffee before adding “to be fair, I have to respect the art of manipulating rules to benefit oneself but unfortunately Hell is losing profit and Heaven’s been ending up with tainted product which has their pretty feathers all roughed up and I hav -”.

“How does any of this concern us?” Sam interrupts “You said you had something VERY interesting Crowley – I didn’t get out of bed to listen to you bitch abou - ”

“I’m getting to it, I swear just bear with me why don’t you? god the disrespect, you know I could actually kill you right now and it would only be too easy?"

Sam gives what might possibly be the most dramatic eye-roll in all of human history and says “Fine. Just, try to keep to the point”

“Thankyou” Crowley pauses for a moment, for dramatic effect, before continuing “so once I realised what was going on, I took care of the rogue demon and then immediately organised to meet with the head honchos upstairs to negotiate re-claiming the smuggled souls for Hell. Now this, this is the part that gets interesting”

Sam shuffles a bit in his seat, he’s never heard this tone in Crowley’s voice before, it’s almost… gleeful. It sounds inherently wrong coming from the mouth of the king of Hell and makes Same decidedly uncomfortable.

“So there I was, literally sitting in Heaven’s waiting room – they like to keep you waiting because it makes them seem busier and more important, it’s all part of some petty power play but I digress – to stop people from offing themselves right there of boredom, they provide a sort of ‘in-flight entertainment’” Crowley was becoming giddier by the second and Sam was suddenly regretting giving him both caffeine and copious amounts of sugar. “Imagine Netflix but about ten-thousand times bigger, as it turns out, Heaven has access to any and all media from every single one of the universes it oversees” he stops and looks at Sam expectantly, Sam looks back blankly.

“Crowley I swear if you woke me up just to tell me that Heaven has inter-universe Netflix… I might actually stab you right now”, Crowley just stares at him as if he’s missing something glaringly obvious.

“And to think I always thought you were the brains of the Winchester duo” Crowley says to his coffee mug and Sam huffs as he gets up to put his now empty mug in the sink “as I was sitting there, flicking through the various titles and minding my own business, up popped your pretty face – right there on the television – and can you think why?”

After a long pause Sam carefully lowers his mug into the sink and turns back to face Crowley, with wide eyes he whispers “Supernatural”

“Bingo”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey so I hope you're enjoying my fic, feel free to leave a comment and/or follow me on tumblr @trippedandfellintopurgatory :)


	2. Pros and Cons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean stares at him blankly for a second, as if he’s waiting for the punchline of a poorly timed joke

Sam suddenly understands why Crowley was so excited. This could change everything, there would be nowhere to hide, everything would be out in the open. There would be no more secrets, no more misinformation. They would know people’s true motives and thoughts, who they could trust and who they couldn’t. It would be the perfect way to catch Mary up on what she’d missed, at least for a few years, come to think of it he didn’t even know how far back the show went in terms of their life story… Those actors had obviously been the same age as he and Dean and acting out the same stage of their lives so does that mean that the show ran parallel to whatever they were living at that moment? Perhaps with a slight delay? Was the show still running up to date with all that had happened since then? His mind was thrumming with questions and without noticing he’d sat back down at the counter, his hands in his hair and his mouth slightly open as he tried to process all the new possibilities this would bring. 

“I did say you’d be interested” Crowley says, the smugness in his voice somewhat over ruled by his obvious excitement. This would mean good things for him as well, it would mean the Winchester’s finally seeing that he thought differently of their relationship, that he saw them as irreplaceable allies and the closest thing he could ever have to ‘friends’. Maybe they would finally trust him, take him seriously as an ally rather than a pawn to manipulate as they saw fit. 

Sam looks up, snapping Crowley out of his daydreaming ‘what if’ scenario, “I want to see it” he says bluntly “I want to know how accurate it is, I want to see our story from someone else’s point of view I want…” he trails off, voice suddenly a lot smaller.

“You want to know if you’re the good guys” Crowley finishes for him “it’s understandable, I myself want to make sure that I’m the bad guy – I’ve got a reputation to uphold and everyone’s been calling me ‘soft’ lately” he sounds less irritated by that than Sam would have thought but he’s too distracted to dwell on it right now. 

“Wait” Sam starts, suddenly suspicious he squints at Crowley “how do you know about that show? You weren’t there when Balthazar put us in that universe and I’m sure we never told you” 

“Hey hey hey don’t get bees all up in your bonnet!” he retorts defensively “no I didn’t know about the show until suddenly you and your brother were staring at me from the ‘new releases’ page, my curiosity piqued and I did a little background reading” 

Sam nods, he has to admit that if the situation were reversed it’s probably what he would have done too. “So how do we access it?” the thought of escaping back to sleep is now far from his mind. Sam wants to see this – needs to see this, needs to share this – maybe he’ll finally be able to explain to Dean why he left for school, why he trusted Ruby, why he settled for a girl and a dog over finding his brother… Maybe he’ll get to see what Hell was like for Dean, what purgatory was like, why his brother befriended a vampire of all things – hell, maybe he’ll finally understand this whole ‘profound bond’ thing he’s got going on with Cas! Not to mention Cas himself, surely the show must go into his background a little, there would be so much material to work with… “Crowley tell me you know how to access this!”

“I’m not just a pretty face Samantha, I feigned curiosity with the desk angel about how I might get such services in Hell, apparently you just need an angel and a television – something about it all just being waves and knowing which ones to tune into” Crowley looks around suddenly “where is that pet angel of yours anyway? I have a hankering for some early morning tele”

Within fifteen minutes Sam and Crowley had located and dragged both Cas and Dean from their respective areas of the bunker (Cas, as it turns out, had been deep in a store room trying to find information regarding Nephilim) and now all four of them were sitting in various stages of confusion in one of the larger bedrooms which Dean had converted into a sort of ‘family room’. 

“What’s going on?” Dean finally asks from where he’s slumped in the corner of the couch, arms crossed over his chest and not at all pleased to be awake for anything less than what he deems to be a code red. Both he and Cas look expectantly at Sam but it’s Crowley who answers the question.

“Believe me princess I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t absolutely essential, the whole place reeks of angel” he throws a quick glance towards Castiel “no offense”  
The angel just rolls his eyes towards the ceiling and moves to leave the room, Dean looks like he’s about to speak up on his friends’ behalf and Sam throws a master bitch face at Crowley who holds his hands up in a silent ‘fine, I’ll play nice’. “Castiel wait, this is something you’ll want to hear”, Cas looks towards Sam who nods and gestures for him to sit so he takes a seat next to Dean on the couch and turns to face Crowley “thankyou”. He pauses, wondering the best place to begin, “Dean, do you remember when Balthazar threw you into that parallel universe?” yeah. Jump right in with the good stuff, seems like a solid plan. Go Crowley. Dean slowly nods in a ‘yes, obviously I remember that, what’s your point?’ kind of way and Castiel just sort of squints at him so he takes that as his cue to continue. “Well then I would hazard a guess that you remember what you found there?”

“Yeah, weirdo actor-land, dudes with our faces and no idea what’s out there” Dean answers, wiping a hand over his tired face and leaning to rest his elbows on his knees “where’re you going with this Crowley?” he doesn’t sound aggressive, just too tired to beat around the bush.

“Well, what if I told you I could get access to this particular program? For the viewing pleasure of all”

Dean stares at him blankly for a second, as if he’s waiting for the punchline of a poorly timed joke, “I’d tell you to fuck off, I lived that bullshit Crowley, why would I choose to go through it all again?” thoroughly confused now Dean looks between the demon and his brother “seriously, Sam? This is what you dragged me out of bed to talk about? Whether I might want to watch my friends – our friends – die, again?” he looks incredulously around the room.

“I know, I know, it sounds…”

“Crazy Sam. It sounds crazy!”

“Ok fine Dean! It sounds crazy! But what about our life isn’t?” Sam raises his voice a bit to stop his brother from trying to talk over him “of course there are things that I don’t want to see but think about how we could use it! I could finally see what it was like for you in Hell and Purgatory, you could see every one of those Tuesdays that I lived through. We have an opportunity here to look back and learn from our mistakes, to finally understand what the other was experiencing! To explain to Mum what our lives have been, to show her what our lives have been! Dean, we could potentially show her the times we met her in the past, the times she can’t remember” he pauses to gage his brothers’ reaction, there’s a look on Dean’s face that Sam knows very well, the ‘I don’t like it… but you have a point’ face. Glad that his brother is at least considering the idea, he turns his attention to his friend “Cas? What do you think?”.

“I think…” the angel casts a sideways glance at Dean who doesn’t seem to notice “I think it could be beneficial, people keep telling me that I’ve changed that I’m not ‘the Castiel they knew’, I want to know what I was like before – whether I should take that comment as a compliment or criticism in my own mind” he pauses before adding “and I would like to see what your life was like before I knew you, if I could”.

“Wonderful” Crowley pipes up, clapping his hands together “so that’s Moose and Feathers on board, what say you Princess?” all three turn to look at Dean.

“I don’t like it” he says simply “but, if you idiots are going to watch it like a bunch of kids at a sleepover then who am I to stop you, you can all bond over pillow-fights, braiding Sam’s hair and watching the stupid show… I’ll supervise, don’t want any bitching going on behind my back” he finishes in a grumble. 

Crowley smirks triumphantly and moves to explain to Cas how he can hook up the bunker’s Netflix to include the parallel universes’ content while Sam offers to get some blankets from a spare room and Dean mopes in the corner of the couch.


	3. Pilot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Says here that it’s been confirmed for a season 13” Crowley reads from his phone “It must still be following you at about the same pace, for the sake of their ratings I hope neither of you idiots get yourselves killed in the next 18 months”.

“Exactly how accurate is this show Crowley? Are we talking word for word monkey see monkey do here?” Dean’s more relaxed after having some time to adjust, plus when Cas finally caught onto the right signal his eyes did that neon blue thing and he’s always secretly found that kind of awesome.

“I have no idea” he responds as he picks up the remote and starts scrolling through the new releases page “I never actually opened an episode, thought it might be indecent, and besides – with you here I might get a bit of warning before anything X-rated happens, Chuck knows I’ve seen enough of your jiggly bits to last me a lifetime”. Dean doesn’t respond other than a huff and an eyeroll but Cas’s eyes are suddenly wide and flicking between the two of them. Sam can almost see the cogs turning in the angels’ mind and decides to intervene before he asks when Crowley might have seen Dean’s ‘jiggly bits’, partly because he doesn’t think his friend would like the answer but mostly because Sam really does not need any more information about his brothers’ various sexual liaisons. 

“Should I call Mum? I mean, we don’t know where she is and this would probably be pretty upsetting for her I guess – what if Dad’s in it or that night with the fire… maybe we should watch the first few episodes without her and then ease her into it once we know what to expect?” his voice dwindles to a whisper as Crowley finally stops scrolling. All eyes are fixed on the tv where the thumbnail for the first episode is splashed across the screen, bright flames devouring an unmistakeable Mary as she silently screams from her position on the ceiling.

“Yeah, we should probably wait” Dean breaths just loud enough for the others to hear. They sit quietly for a moment, Sam in his favourite armchair, Dean and Cas on the couch and Crowley who has dropped into a beanbag that he pulled from Chuck knows where. The demon snaps his fingers and the lights flick off, leaving them in semi darkness with only the light of the screen illuminating the small space. 

“Ready?” Crowley asks, the others give silent nods in return and turning to face the television he hits play, all staying silent through the title card.  
As the writing at the bottom of the screen introduces the setting as Lawrence, Kansas there’s a small intake of breath from both brothers, Cas moves microscopically closer to Dean – not wanting his friend to feel alone as the camera pans to see the Winchester’s first home. 

_‘C’mon, let’s say goodnight to your brother’_

“Mum…” Sam and Dean breathe, almost in sync 

“Dean look at your hair! I didn’t realise the mop ran in the family” Crowley digs but getting nothing but silence from the brothers and a fearsome glare from Cas he decides it’s probably in his best interests to shut up for a minute.

They watch Mary and Dean take turns kissing Sam on the head and Dean running to their fathers’ arms with a cry of _‘Daddy!’_ the whole scenario is so painfully domestic and sweet that all of them are over run with some kind of emotion or another. Sam and Dean with a feeling of sadness and loss as well as surprise at their fathers’ tenderness, Cas with fascination at seeing his friends when they were so young and carefree – especially Mary – and Crowley, mostly overcome by the sickening sweetness of it all. 

“Don’t get up Mum, that’s all I asked, that you didn’t get up” Dean murmurs at the screen as Mary inevitably does get up to investigate the noise from the baby monitor. Nothing else is said as Mary sees the man who they now know to be Azazel standing over Sam’s crib, as she discovers John asleep downstairs, as she screams, as John rushes to her aid. No one says anything as she burns on the ceiling. You could have heard a pin drop as a tear escapes from Dean’s eye. He mouths the line as it plays out before him, _‘take your brother and run as fast as you can, now Dean! Go!’_ , then he whispers aloud, “it’s very accurate, monkey see monkey do”.

The air is heavy with unspoken emotions as all four watch Dean carry Sam from the house with a small _‘it’s ok Sammy’_ and the silence continues as firefighters bring the blaze under control. As the screen fades to black it suddenly freezes, jolting them from their reverie. “Sorry” Castiel speaks softly, turning to face the other three “I just… are you ok, Sam? Dean? This must be… a lot” he’s awkward and unsure of his decision to stop the show but after watching the very beginning of his friends’ – his families’ – journey unfold, he knows it must be doubly confronting for them. “maybe we should have a code, if any of us feel like it’s too much…” he lets the sentence trail off, waiting for one of the others to say something, anything. 

Eventually Sam breaks the silence, “It’s ok Cas, I mean, we already lived through it and we know what happens but yeah it’s not… it’s not easy…” he takes a breath before continuing “and I don’t think we should tell Mum about this, at least not yet. She hasn’t had as long to adjust as we have and this… she’s had enough trouble as it is"

Dean just nods solemnly from his place on the couch next to Cas, seemingly still lost in thought as he stares absently at the dark screen. Cas apparently takes this as a good enough sign to continue because the show starts to play as he turns back towards the screen.

_‘Stanford University, present day’_

“It goes back that far? How long has this show been airing for?” Sam asks the room at large, evidently surprised. 

“Says here that it’s been confirmed for a season 13” Crowley reads from his phone “It must still be following you at about the same pace, for the sake of their ratings I hope neither of you idiots get yourselves killed in the next 18 months”. He looks up from his phone to the TV screen as a younger version of Sam pokes his head around the corner of a door frame, “honestly Moose have you ever had a decent haircut in your life?”.

They fall silent again, watching the college Halloween party unfold, Sam unnaturally still as he watches his doppelganger and Jess. He closes his eyes as the camera focusses on her, telling him that she was proud of him, that she believed in him, joking that he would crash and burn without her… “You would have called and told me if you’d gotten into law school right?” Dean suddenly speaks without looking away from the screen “y’know, if you’d ever gotten to that interview…” he glances at Sam, looking to gage his reaction.

“Yeah… yeah I think I would have, maybe not immediately but…”

Dean nods and turns his attention back to the screen, it seems surreal to him, looking back on a time when he and Sam weren’t speaking regularly. They’d barely spoken in two years when this was happening and Sam wasn’t kidding when he said that he hadn’t told his family about his LSAT score, Dean hadn’t heard about the 174 till a few years later when they were trying to convince a fan of Chuck’s books to give them some info. 

“You wanted to be a lawyer Sam?” this time it’s Cas who’s looking over at him, honest curiosity written across his face.

“Yeah, that was my game plan back then I guess”

“I think it would have suited you” Cas smiles to himself, he could imagine Sam spending hours pouring over laws and legislation and previous cases, much the same way he’d watch him pour over a very different kind of lore, finding loop holes and connecting the dots where no one else saw the joining factors. “You could have helped a lot of people as a lawyer, but perhaps not have saved as many lives” with a small smile he turns back to the TV 

Sam breathes out a small “Thanks Cas” before tuning back into the show before him, by now the scene has changed and he watches himself wrestle with his brother after catching him breaking and entering. 

_‘Woah, easy tiger’_

Crowley burst into laughter and the other three turn to him confused, none of them had ever seen Crowley lose it like that before, they exchange wide eyed looks and shrugs, after a solid 20 seconds of uncontrollable laughter he looks up, eyes brimming with tears and raises his hand to point at Dean “You sound pre-pubescent” he cackles “seriously what is that? Three octaves higher than normal?” he laughs to himself as Dean huffs and turns back to face the screen with his arms folded across his chest and the others shake their heads with small smiles as they focus back on the scene unraveling before them. 

By now Jess has woken up and come to investigate what all the fuss is about, Dean can feel someone watching him and sure enough when he looks to his left he can see Crowley looking at him pointedly. He isn’t sure how Crowley’s doing it but he’s giving Dean a look that somehow says very clearly ‘seriously, I’m the king of Hell, an actual demon and even _I_ wouldn’t flirt that blatantly with my little brothers girlfriend’. Dean flips him off and Crowley rolls his eyes before directing them back to the screen.

_‘Dad’s on a hunting trip and he hasn’t been home in a few days’_

“Hey Sam, remember when Dad going missing was the height of our problems? Simper times man, simpler times” Dean shakes his head “I don’t know what I would’ve done if you hadn’t come with me man, seriously I was freaking out”

_‘When I told Dad I was scared of the thing in my closet he gave me a 45’_

“You know, it sounds bad when you put it that way but at least he never tried to trade you for a few mud covered pigs” Crowley grumbles to himself.

“John Winchester is never going to win any father of the year awards but I think it’s pretty safe to say that if we’re gonna start arguing about who suffered through the most irresponsible parenting, Cas wins that one” Dean pipes up throwing a quick glance towards his friend “right Cas?”

“Well my father did leave the entire universe to potentially end itself while his children fought through petty rivalries so that he could take time out to engage in sexual relations and write Winchester ‘fanfiction’ so, yes, I think I win that one” he agrees with a small smile at Dean. 

As they turn back to the screen, the younger Sam and Dean are still arguing, _‘Do you think Mum would have wanted this for us?’_ , there’s a slight huff of humoured breath at that line. They all know now that no matter what Mary had wanted for her children, she was the one who (through her deal with Azazel) had doomed them to the hunting lifestyle. 

“Y’know… it’s kinda crazy to see us arguing about this stuff now that we’ve already lived through it” Sam says as he and Dean’s doppelgangers keep arguing about John’s parenting techniques “I mean, other than the whole ‘oh look our lives are a tv show thing’”

“Yeah I know what you mean, I kind of forgot that there was a time we didn’t know Mum was a hunter” Dean agrees “she was just… Mum y’know? we didn’t really know anything about her except that she was dead and that it was a demon who killed her, the whole thing is just… surreal”

There’s nothing to say as Sam speaks to Jess for the last time, they all know what Sam will comes home to. Cas watches his friend with concern evident on his face but the younger Winchester just closes his eyes and breathes deeply so the angel stays silent and turns back to the television. It’s not until the Woman In White claims her first on-screen victim that he says anything, and even then it’s only to remark “It didn’t occur to me that we’d see their deaths, the people who couldn’t be saved”

“Neither did I” Dean mutters “I guess there’s always a couple fatalities before someone connects the dots and rolls into town to deal with it…” He falls silent and Cas lays a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“You can’t save everyone Dean, though it’s valiant of you to try”

This earns him a small smile and the angel drops his hand as both of them look back towards the screen. It’s silent for a few minutes as not-Sam and not-Dean talk to the local authorities, then Cas all but throws his arms up in exasperation and asks “How do you get everyone to talk to you like that? they just, tell you everything!”

“It’s because Dean’s so pretty” Crowley quips from his spot on the beanbag. Cas glares at him but he ignores it and continues “honestly, people will do anything if the person asking is ‘attractive’ enough”.

“Yeah, you included” Dean smirks at the demon.

“Castiel, control your boyfriend”

“Dean is not my boyfriend”

“Oh? Trouble in paradise?”

Sam shushes them before Crowley not only opens that particular can of worms but tips it all over the sofa “Guys I can’t hear what’s going on”. What they tune back into is a large serving of angst with a side of being inconsiderate. Sam almost wishes that he’d just let Crowley throw the worms around the room when he realises that he remembers this fight. 

_‘Dean, I told you, I’ve gotta get back by-‘_

_‘Monday, right, the interview… yeah I forgot, you’re really serious about this aren’t you? You think you’re just gonna become some lawyer?”_

Dean looks to his left where Sam is focussed back on the screen and pauses for a moment before speaking “I’m sorry about all that, I don’t think I ever told you but it’s true. I would have given anything for you to have that normal life with Jess, with whoever, picket fence and apple pies, kids… the whole nine”

“You were right though… in the end” Sam admits “I was never gonna get to have that normal life”

_‘Mum’s gone and she isn’t coming back’_

“I’m sorry too”

The brothers share a small smile and a nod, a silent communication of forgiveness, before returning their eyes to the television set. Cas chooses this moment to pipe up, “I can see why this show has a following, you’re both very dramatic”. Dean hits him square in the face with one of the decorative pillows he’d brought home after a spontaneous thrift shopping expedition. Cas huffs, pulling the pillow from his face and tossing it back onto Deans lap “were you trying to prove my point? Because you succeeded”. Dean opens and closes his mouth for a moment before giving up on a witty comeback and opts to focus his attention back on the screen, pouting as he crosses his arms over the cushion against his chest. Cas allows himself a small smile after determining that he ‘won’ that particular battle. 

“Smug little assbutt” Dean grumbles, Cas only grins more broadly.

They’re feud is interrupted by Crowley pointing to the screen at a mud soaked Dean “That’s a good look, you should wear it more often”, this time it’s the demon who gets a pillow to the head. 

The conversation lulls to nothing more than short remarks about the amazing infrequency that either Sam or Dean are actually arrested considering the number or laws they break on a daily basis. As the Woman In White is being defeated Crowley leans backwards to look at the brothers from his beanbag, “I honestly can’t tell if the two of you are actually good at your job or if you just have the strangest combination of good and bad luck I’ve ever seen” he sits forward and gestures toward the screen “I mean, obviously you have terrible luck because well, look at the situations you find yourselves in on a regular basis, but somehow out of what I can only describe as sheer dumb luck, you manage to make it out every god damn time! Imagine how much easier my life would have been if you’d been properly detained” he points at Dean “and you’d inevitably been brutally murdered” he moves to point at Sam.

“Our condolences” Dean snorts.

As they see Sam return to Stanford the room falls quiet, Dean looks to his brother – scanning his face for any sign of discomfort and lets out a small “Sammy…” but Sam’s face is closed off, he shakes his head ever so slightly and Dean takes it to mean that he’ll be ok but he doesn’t want to talk about it. Sam closes his eyes as the shot cuts to the image of Jess frozen to the ceiling, it took him months to stop seeing her face stuck like that every-time he closed his eyes. It may have been over ten years since her death but reliving it via his television isn’t something he would ever be ok with. He suddenly wonders if his onscreen persona saw Jess everywhere he went, the same way that he did in the weeks following her death, he supposes he’ll find out soon enough. Before he knows it, the episode is over, only then does he open his eyes.


	4. Coffee and Popcorn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Maybe we should take a quick break?” he suggests “I’d like to stretch my legs and Dean’s stomach has been grumbling for the last twenty minutes”

“So…” Crowley breaks the silence “looks like we have a whole fifteen seconds to decide if we want to continue watching, all those in favour say ‘I’”

Cas, who has been watching Sam with obvious concern, pauses the auto play. “Maybe we should take a quick break?” he suggests “I’d like to stretch my legs and Dean’s stomach has been grumbling for the last twenty minutes”, Sam smiles at him gratefully. 

“Sounds good to me” he says, standing from the armchair and stretching his arms above his head “I’ll get us some coffee” he offers, happy to have an excuse to be alone with his thoughts for a moment. As he makes his way towards the kitchen, Sam replays the episode in his mind. He’d never really noticed the symmetry between Dean carrying him out of the fire as an infant and then pushing him out yet again over twenty years later, in all fairness, he supposes it’s easier to pick up on when you’re only watching the events and not actually living them. Then he starts to think about Jess. He’d surprised himself with how easily he could watch her on the screen, sure it was sad and he knew there would always be a part of him still a little bit in love with her but… it wasn’t unbearable. Somewhere along the line he must have managed to find some closure without even being fully aware of it. It had almost hurt more to see all the other people, people who used to be his friends. He never got back in contact with the majority of them and it had been years since he’d even thought about them or where they might have ended up. Not to mention the fact that not all of them were even really his friends, at least a few of them were possessed by Azazel’s demons and other than Brady he didn’t even know who was human and who wasn’t… Sam doesn’t realise that he’s zoned out staring at the coffee maker until he hears the shuffle of sock clad feet approaching the kitchen door. 

“Sam?” Cas asks softly “I thought you might like some help carrying the coffee mugs”, the angel stands awkwardly in the doorway as if unsure about his decision to interrupt Sam’s thoughts. Sam opens his mouth to say thankyou but he’s cut off by the sound of Cas’s text tone. Pulling the phone from his pants pocket and opening the message, Cas rolls his eyes and huffs out a laugh, “Dean would like me to see if we have any microwave popcorn while we’re at it”.

Sam smiles and turns to grab a packet of popcorn from where he knows he stashed some in the cupboard above the counter, on second thought, he reaches back in for a second pack. For a couple of non-humans who don’t actually need sustenance, Cas and Crowley sure eat a lot. “Tell him I’m on it but next time he should get his lazy ass up and do it himself, if he’s gonna eat this much junk he should at least move around a bit to work it off”, he sets the timer on the microwave and adds the first bag before turning back to face Cas who is still standing half in the kitchen and half in the hallway. “Y’know you might be more comfortable if you changed out of that suit Cas, I could lend you something of mine but it would be a bit big, I’m sure Dean wouldn’t mind you borrowing a pair of sweats and a t-shirt if you asked”. Sam tells himself that he suggests it purely because it’s true that his friend would probably be more comfortable in some cosier clothing but, if he’s being honest, there’s a part of him that wants to see Dean’s face at Cas wearing his pyjamas. He hides his smile at the thought by ducking down to pull a couple of big bowls from a low cupboard. 

“Thankyou for the concern but I’m sure I will survive, I’ve never really found these clothes to be uncomfortable” Cas finally moves into the kitchen as he speaks, opening the microwave which has started beeping “although I admit it might be nice to have a change of clothes just for a bit of variety every now and again”.   
Swapping the still uncooked bag of kernels for the hot bag of freshly popped ones Sam shakes the contents of the first packet between two bowls “You realise you have a permanent room here right? There’s nothing stopping you from keeping some spare clothes in your dresser”. Sam looks up from the bowls to see Cas looking back at him, head tilted and eyes squinted as if Sam’s just suddenly started speaking French (although come to think of it, the angel probably wouldn’t have noticed if Sam had started speaking French, it’s likely he would have just continued the conversation without even blinking),“What’s that look for?”. Cas just keeps on squinting, “Cas?... Cas. You knew that, right? That you have a room here? A permanent one, just for you?”.

“I…” Cas’ phone trills again and he sighs “Dean says that if we aren’t back with food in the next two minutes he and Crowley will start the next episode without us”, grabbing the first two bowls of popcorn the angel hurries towards the kitchen door.

“Cas” Sam calls after him but the angel is already gone. Sighing to himself, Sam pulls the second bag of popcorn from the microwave and pours it into a third bowl before making his way out of the kitchen. After all that, he forgot the coffee.


	5. Wendigo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hunting. Biblical Righteousness. Manipulation and witchcraft.” Crowley counts each one off on his fingers “you know, some people inherit family businesses like a local florist or questionable second-hand car dealerships”.

“About time!” Dean announces as Sam wanders back into the… he supposes it’s become sort of a ‘loungeroom’, with the third bowl of popcorn.

“Hey, you were the one who wanted the popcorn” Sam shoots back as he makes his way across the room to his armchair. 

“You were the one who wanted the popcorn” Dean mimics under his breath.

“It’s true Dean, you were the one who wanted the popcorn”

“I know Cas, I just…” Dean continues to explain to Cas the fine arts of imitation and mockery (a skill Sam is sure Dean will regret introducing him to later) while Crowley leans back in his beanbag to whisper to Sam.

“Are they always like this?” 

“Like what?”

“Like” he pauses to gesture towards the couch where Dean has moved to correct Castiels’ air-quoting technique, fingers lingering just slightly too long on the angels’ before they accidentally make eye-contact and Dean drops his hands, scooches along the couch and places the bowl of popcorn between them “that”. 

Sam rolls his eyes and whispers back “You have no idea”.

“Hey, what are you two whispering about?” Dean says, suddenly looking in Sam and Crowleys’ direction.

“Wouldn’t you like to know” the demon says at the same time Sam says “Nothing”.

Dean narrows his eyes at them but before he can say anything Cas has un-paused the auto play and not so subtly turned up the volume on the television. Sam widens his eyes in innocence and turns towards the tv to watch the numbers count down before the next episode begins, Crowley winks (just because he knows it’ll piss Dean off) before he too turns his attention back to the screen. Dean eventually gives upon trying to intimidate them with his eyes alone and decides to focus his energy into shovelling as much popcorn as humanly possible into his mouth before the ‘previously on Supernatural’ bit ends and he can’t chew loudly. Cas, who has until this point been meticulously picking out each individual piece of corn before he eats it, looks on in mild horror as Dean haphazardly grabs handfuls out of the bowl. “Whop?” Dean asks through a mouthful of popcorn.

“Whop” Cas mimics, Dean glares at him, Sam laughs and his face splits into a huge grin as Crowley loudly shushes them all when the dialogue for the second episode begins. 

_“Hey Hayley, day six, we’re still out near Black Water Ridge…”_

“Black Water Ridge? Hey, wasn’t that the- “ Sam is abruptly cut off by Crowley with a sharp

“Hey! No spoilers! We weren’t all there for this part you know”

Dean rolls his eyes, “Hey Crowley, spoiler alert, you’re a nerd”

The demon turns to look innocently back at Dean “in the most recent episode of Game of Thro-“

“Alright, alright you’ve made your point now shut up and watch the stupid show” Dean waves his hand as if to shoo the demon away.

Crowley turns back to the screen with a satisfied smirk.

Sam and Dean grimace as the monster circles its prey, taking its’ first two victims and terrifying the third as it slashes the fabric walls of the tent. They never stood a chance.

The scene changes and Sam focusses on keeping his breathing deep and even as he watches himself walk towards Jess’ head stone, flowers in hand. He jumps as hard as the others when the even dirt over her grave is broken by a reaching hand. “I guess we’ll get to see eachothers nightmares as well” he whispers once his heart has stopped racing and his doppelganger has shaken off the remnants of the dream.

_“You ok?”_ Dean asks at the same time that not-Dean does.

_“Yeah fine”_ Sam and not-Sam answer.

“I thought the whole point of this exercise was to be more honest with eachother” Cas interjects, partially because he wanted to raise his point but also because the whole ‘in sync with their pseudo selves’ thing is making him slightly uncomfortable. 

Sam sighs, “You’re right Cas, old habits die hard I guess” he picks at the top few pieces of popcorn in his bowl as an excuse not to look at his companions and continues “it’s been… a while since I dreamt of Jess and I guess I forgot how vivid the nightmares used to be” he looks back up at the screen and finishes “it makes me wonder how vivid everything else will be, the Lucifer hallucinations y’know?”.

Cas nods empathetically “we can take breaks if you feel like it’s too much”.

“Thanks Cas, I appreciate it” Sam gives him a small smile and they turn back to the screen.

As the brothers onscreen discuss their father and the seemingly remote location of the coordinates he left them to follow, Cas continues, “I never noticed how similar our fathers were before”. The others all turn to him with confusion evident in their faces, Cas takes no notice. When it’s clear that he won’t elaborate without prompting, Dean clears his throat.

“Come again Cas?” Crowley winks at him, which Dean chooses to ignore as he waits for the angel to respond.

“I said that I never noticed how similar our fathers were”

“We heard you Cas” Sam joins in “but, how?”

“Yeah man, your ‘Dad’ is God. As in, The Creator. In what universe is John Winchester even in the same league?” Dean asks.

“No, no, I can see it” Crowley begins, ticking each point off on his fingers as he goes “let’s take a look at the score sheet shall we? Distant? Check. Raises children to be warriors for the ‘greater good’? Check. Seems to enjoy leaving vague instructions that could lead to life or death type peril and then disappearing and cutting off all contact? Check.” Cas nods along in agreement, leaving Sam and Dean to privately struggle with this new train of thought. “Technically they’re both single dad’s as well, can’t have been easy. It’s not like Aunty Amara was ever going to pitch in and babysit, at least the two of you had Bobby”.

“What about you Crowley? Where does your old man fit in to this analogy?” Dean asks, keen to get the topic away from the comparison of his father to God of all things.

“Wouldn’t know. Never met him. From the sounds of it I got the good end of the deal, you three are like the poster boys for daddy issues” Dean tries to argue but Cas takes the opportunity to stuff a handful of popcorn into his open mouth so that whatever he says comes out as a muffled grumble. 

“Let it go Dean, I want to watch the show” the angel says, settling back into the couch as not-Sam and not-Dean review the last footage they have of the missing victim. 

They’re quiet for a few minutes, watching in silence as the brothers interrogate the only survivor of one of the supposed ‘bear attacks’, the only interruption being Cas musing allowed as to how many innocent bears have been accused of murder thanks to the work of monsters.

_'So finding Dad’s not enough? Now we gotta babysit too?'_ not-Sam slams the trunk of the Impala.

“Believe me Moose, I know I’m one to talk but, I think you’re having a bit of an anger management issue this episode” Crowley says.

“Hey I think he earned the right to be in a pissy mood” Dean defends his brother “even if he is being an ass”.

Sam just rolls his eyes, he can’t deny that his emotions were obviously running high and he isn’t going to argue for the sake of arguing, what would be the point? 

They fall silent again as the unlikely hiking group make their way into the woods. Sam outright laughs when not-Dean gives the line _‘oh sweetheart, I don’t do shorts’_ (“what do you call those denim cut-offs I caught you washing the Impala in the other day then?”, “Hey, it’s a free bunker!”). 

Quiet until not-Dean is crouched before not-Sam, John’s journal balanced on his open palm between them and he delivers the speech about their responsibility, their family and it’s legacy.

_‘saving people, hunting things, the family business’_

“Hunting. Biblical Righteousness. Manipulation and witchcraft.” Crowley counts each one off on his fingers “you know, some people inherit family businesses like a local florist or questionable second-hand car dealerships”.

Sam snorts but Dean says thoughtfully “I can imagine Cas as a florist”, the others turn to look at him, Cas tilting his head and squinting slightly, Deans ears tinge pink as if he didn’t mean to speak his thoughts aloud “what?” he says awkwardly “the dude likes flowers!”

“I do like flowers” Cas agrees tentatively, he’s aware of a strange kind of atmosphere in the room but he can’t quite put his finger on it. Sam and Crowley seem to be sharing some kind of telepathic joke as they smirk and roll their eyes at eachother, Dean on the other hand is now staring resolutely at the television, ears still bright pink in the low light emanating from the screen.

The four of them soak in the last few words of pseudo-Dean’s speech, telling not-Sam how he deals with his emotions by chanelling them into the job, doing his best to protect other people from being forced into the life he lives. Full of hurt, full of anger, full of loss. Unbeknownst to them, they are all thinking the same thing: “some things never change”. 

From there they all get caught up in the tension, watching as the monster (finally named as a Wendigo) plays with the group, doing it’s best to lure them from their safety in numbers. The hired guide, Roy, is the first to fall for the bait. Sam and Dean’s doppelgangers are next, accidentally leading their civilian companions straight into the Wendigo’s trap.

“Rookie mistake” Dean whispers under his breath as his doppelganger and Hayley are separated from the others. All four are paying rapt attention as the group is reunited and they begin hunting the Wendigo in earnest.

Cas is highly aware of his increased pulse rate. Even though he knows that his friends survive this hunt he can’t help but feel anxious, he distracts himself by pulling his legs up to sit cross legged (hard to do in his business pants, perhaps he should take Sam’s advice and ask Dean for a spare pair of ‘sweats’) and pulls one of the blankets Sam brought in tight around his shoulders. Dean reaches across and pats him on the knee in a reassuring kind of way before focussing back on the scene before them, pseudo-Dean trying to tempt the monster away from the others with little success. Not-Sam coming face to face with the fanged monster, firing the flare and missing, they’re left with no choice but to try and run for an exit. As pseudo-Sam forces himself in front of the civilians, prepared to use himself as a human shield, not-Dean appears behind the Wendigo and wastes no time firing his flare straight into it’s chest. 

It’s not until after the ambulance has been loaded and, to Cas’ displeasure, another grizzly bear wrongly accused of murder that Dean speaks again.

“Credit where credit is due” he says as the Impala is shown tearing up the tarmac “the show really gives my baby the attention she deserves”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shout-out to ThayerKerbasy and RedCrimsonCake, I've never posted anything I've written before so it's great to get such nice feedback from you guys - hope you enjoyed this chapter!
> 
> to everyone else, I hope you're enjoying reading this as much as I'm enjoying writing it :) feel free to leave a comment and/or follow me on tumblr @trippedandfellintopurgatory


	6. Dead in the Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We should turn this into a drinking game” Crowley suggests a few minutes later as they watch Dean receive a goodbye kiss from Andrea “take a shot every time poor Moose over here gets overlooked by the pretty lady and Princess over there gets the kiss”

As the fifteen second countdown before the next episode begins, Sam sighs, linking his fingers together and stretching his arms up and behind his head, forcing his legs out straight in front of him. “Everyone up for round three?” he asks as he brings his arms back down to rest in his lap.

Cas nods towards him from the couch and Crowley brings his right wrist to eye height, shaking back his coat sleeve he glances at his watch “the night is young! It’s only five  
thirty”.

“Five thirty _in the morning_ Crowley” Sam points out. 

“Alright, one more episode but then we’re stopping so that I can make a proper breakfast” Dean grumbles as the third episode begins “I’m gonna need some real food, coffee and bacon”. 

“Ah yes, grease and caffeine, the perfect remedy for emotional hangovers” Crowley speaks over the ‘previously on Supernatural’ “is everyone invited or is this a ‘protagonists only’ breakfast?”.

“Would it make a difference if I said it was?” Sam asks.

Crowley pauses for a moment, head cocked to the side as if in deep thought before answering with a blunt “No”.

“Didn’t think so” Sam rolls his eyes.

“Man, if the original Men of Letters could see us now” Dean laughs to himself.

Crowley smirks, “they’d be insulted that you even let Castiel stay here, let alone invite us both to stay for breakfast”.

“To be fair, we didn’t actually invite you Crowley” Sam points out.

Crowley throws one hand over his heart in mock horror “it’s as if you don’t care for my feelings Moose, and besides, you may not have invited me to stay but you haven’t thrown me out either”. 

While Sam and Crowley continue to bicker, Dean leans over into Cas’ space “are you alright man? You’re kinda quiet”

Cas sighs softly, keeping his eyes downcast to where he’s playing with the edge of the blanket in his lap “I’m alright Dean” he offers up a small smile to placate his friend “I just got lost in thought”.

Dean returns the smile and repositions himself back on his side of the couch, he can tell that something is up but he won’t try to raise it with Sam and Crowley there to witness. He tells himself that he’ll make an excuse to take Cas aside while he’s making breakfast and ask him about it then.

A hush falls over the room as the title card ends and the camera pans over the setting. 

_Lake Manitoc, Wisconsin_

The first few minutes are spent in uneventful silence as the first victim is introduced and set up to die. As she’s pulled into the water Crowley groans and says “please god don’t tell me you two dunderheads killed the Lochness monsters’ second cousin”

“She has cousins?” Cas asks.

“She’s real?!” Dean exclaims “I mean, I know we make jokes but, she’s really real?”

“Of course she’s real! You didn’t really think it was an elephants’ trunk, did you? honestly the disrespect of such a majestic beast”

“Guys shutup I can’t hear what’s going on!” Sam interrupts.

“Who cares? You already lived it, it’s not like you don’t know what happens”

“It’s been over a decade Crowley and a lot’s happened since then”

“Excuses, excuses” Crowley mutters as he focuses back on the show where not-Sam and not-Dean are bickering (yet again) about the whereabouts of their father. “God the two of you are hopeless, ‘I love daddy more, ‘no _I_ love daddy more!’” he taunts “no wonder the guy needed some space”. 

“Lay off Crowley” Dean snaps.

“Seems like I touched a nerve”.

“I’ll touch… your… nerve” Dean trails off.

“Now, now sugar muffin, not in front of the children” Crowley winks, smirking when he hears a low huff come from Casitiel’s direction “oops, think I touched another one” he mumbles to Sam who rolls his eyes and kicks the back of the beanbag in front of him.

As the episode progresses and the first few witnesses are being questioned, the four fall into a comfortable silence until: 

_‘cute kid, kids are the best huh?’_

“Oh man, we should note that line down as a textbook example of ‘how not to pick up a date: 101 with Dean Winchester’” Sam laughs.

“What?” Dean asks _“I love kids!”_ he says in sync with his pseudo self on the screen.

_‘name three children you even know’_ Sam’s doppelganger speaks as if on cue.

“Oh shutup, just because I don’t know a lot of kids doesn’t mean I can’t like them”

Cas turns to look at Dean thoughtfully, “Would you ever have wanted children of your own Dean?”

Dean thinks for a beat before replying “Yeah… maybe, if hunting wasn’t my life… I don’t think I was half bad with Ben, or Sammy for that matter” he smiles, throwing an un-popped corn kernel at Sam’s head and adds “and Claire, sometimes seeing her is like looking in a mirror”. He sighs, smiling to himself and spacing out for a moment, Cas is watching him with an expression so soft it’s making Sam’s heart ache for the both of them. 

Suddenly Dean’s expression changes, hardening a little, “I uh, I dunno if I ever told you but I did technically have a daughter once”. Cas’ eyebrows shoot towards his hairline and Dean fiddles with a blanket edge as he continues “Emma”. 

When Dean doesn’t elaborate, seemingly incredibly interested in the piece of blanket he’s flipping between his fingers, Cas asks softly “What happened to her?”

“She wasn’t human.” He responds simply, Cas looks to Sam for confirmation that what he assumes Dean is saying is accurate, Sam only nods sadly. “I’m sorry Dean” he whispers.

“S’ok Cas, it was a long time ago, you’ll probably get to see it at some point” he says, gesturing to the television screen. Cas takes that as signalling the end of that conversation, he turns back to the screen, wondering if Claire realises that Dean thinks of her so fondly… He hopes she does.

As he tunes back in, Dean’s doppelganger is doing his best to connect with Lucas. Cas smiles sadly to himself, his friend would have been an excellent father if he’d been given the proper chance. 

As the episode continues, even Crowley stays respectfully quiet while Dean speaks of his mother and her death.

Dean sighs and scrubs his hand over his face as they watch Lucas cling to his doppelganger as if he was a lifeline, “I’d forgotten about that… wonder where the kid is now?”

“I’m sure we could find out if you want? We know his full name, age and at least what used to be his home town” Sam offers “I could look him up at breakfast”

“yeah… yeah I’d appreciate that” Dean mumbles.

By now, onscreen Sam and Dean are being reprimanded by the local authorities, “About time someone did a background check on you two instead of just believing whatever rubbish you dribble out” Crowley approves. 

“If the actual authorities knew what was out there then we wouldn’t have to pretend to be them” Sam argues “it’s not our fault they don’t know what they’re doing”.

Soon they’re watching as Andrea fights for her life in the bath tub, thrashing as the spirit tries to drag her under and keep her there. “God how did the two of you even go near a sink after this case?” Crowley asks

“Not gonna lie” Dean says “I mostly survived on fresh clothes and deodorant for a week, eventually I had to use a washing machine and after that I was fine”.

It’s not until the Sheriff is confessing to the murder of Peter, the spirit now haunting the lake, that anyone speaks. It’s Sam who breaks the silence, “y’know, out of everything  
we’ve ever hunted, all the cases we’ve been on, sometimes just normal people turn out to be the worst of the lot”. 

“The curse of free will” Cas pipes up “the liberty to make your own choices, some will be good and others… others will be seen as mistakes, in hindsight”

“Amen to that” Dean says, not turning away from the screen. 

“We should turn this into a drinking game” Crowley suggests a few minutes later as they watch Dean receive a goodbye kiss from Andrea “take a shot every time poor Moose over here gets overlooked by the pretty lady and Princess over there gets the kiss”

“It’s not like I’m asking for it, they just can’t resist my charm” Dean oh so humbly adds with a smirk

“Yes and I’m sure you hate the attention” Cas grumbles, Dean is unfortunately too distracted by the footage of his baby cruising down the road to hear the angel speak but Sam and Crowley share yet another knowing look. 

“Alright” Dean announces “breakfast time kids”, he stands up and stretches as he makes his way across the room. Sam and Crowley aren’t far behind him. Cas hits pause on the autoplay and stands as well, stopping to fold the blankets before following Dean and the others to the kitchen.


	7. Protagonists Only Breakfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’d rather have clogged arteries than deny myself bacon Sam”

By the time Castiel wanders into the kitchen, Sam, Dean and Crowley are already bickering about what sort of food makes for the most satisfying breakfast. Sam is on the side of fresh fruit and granola with yoghurt (“I said _‘most satisfying’_ breakfast food Sammy not _‘most likely to suck the joy out of life’_ ”), Crowley is team ‘I don’t eat breakfast’ (“I don’t know why you’re acting so offended, I don’t even need to eat!”) and Dean is arguing for the case of a good ol’ fashioned fry up (“I’d rather have clogged arteries than deny myself bacon Sam”). 

“Cas” Dean says as the angel walks into the room, “you be the decider, who’s breakfast idea is better? Hipster-Yoga-Lover-Sam and his passionate love for _dietary fibre_ ” he makes a face at this, scrunching his nose “this fiend, who refuses to enjoy the best meal of the day” he gestures towards Crowley who just rolls his eyes from his spot at the counter “or _my_ favourite breakfast; crispy bacon, eggs, a couple slices of toast and a hot cup of coffee” Dean finishes with a whimsical smile before looking expectantly at Cas. 

“You’re all wrong” Cas says in a matter of fact sort of way, taking a seat next to Crowley at the counter “the best breakfast is blueberry buttermilk pancakes with whipped cream and maple syrup”. All three turn to him with surprise, he sighs knowing that he won’t be getting out of this one without an explanation. “When I was human, there was a diner down the road from the Gas ’n Sip, that was their Saturday morning special” he pauses and looks anywhere but at Dean, eyes skipping around the room as he says “it was the first hot meal I ate that wasn’t microwaved behind the counter of the Gas ‘n Sip”. 

Dean swallows and looks down, Crowley leans towards Sam who’s leaning with his elbows rested on the opposite side of the counter “am I missing something here?” he whispers. Sam puts a finger to his lips in the universal ‘be quiet’ motion, Crowley sighs and sits back in his seat. He can only hope that Sam will fill him in on the drama later, or that it’ll come up on the show at some point or another. 

When a few seconds of silence have passed and Dean doesn’t seem like he’s gonna be looking up from where he’s staring at his hand, clenched so hard around the dishcloth he’d been using to wipe down the counter that his knuckles have turned white, Sam clears his throat. “Cas, you’re never gonna have to eat anything from Gas ‘n Sip ever again ok?”

Cas smiles softly and nods “I know” he says, he extends his hand to tap Dean’s clenched hand with his pointer finger. Dean looks up with a clenched jaw, the pain evident on his face.

“Cas… I..”

“I know” Cas repeats himself with a small smile, Sam can’t help but smile to himself at the Star Wars reference that he doesn’t think Cas realises he’s making. Dean obviously picks up on it though because he suddenly stumbles away from the bench and Cas’ still outstretched hand. As he turns away to face the sink, Sam can clearly see the red blush that’s creeping up the back of his brothers neck. 

It’s all Sam can do to keep himself from positively beaming at this turn of events but as he turns around to face Castiel and Crowley he realises that he is maybe the only one who understood the whole exchange. Cas looks slightly confused as he slowly retracts his hand and places it back in his lap with the other, Crowley looks completely bemused a point further emphasised as he speaks into the uneasy silence “does anyone want to explain what exactly I’m missing here?”

He’s met with a resounding “no” from his companions, a gleeful one from Sam, a pained one from Dean and, from Cas something more resigned. Crowley throws his arms up in a dramatic ‘I surrender’ motion and Dean breaks the tension “so breakfast, I’m making pancakes”

“Dean you don’t hav-“ Cas starts to protest but Dean isn’t listening 

“Don’t think we have any blueberries and I know we don’t have buttermilk but we do have maple syrup and I’m still gonna make bacon to go on the side” he rambles as he pokes around in the fridge.

“Dean I – “ Sam cuts Cas off with a hand across his mouth

“Just let him do it man” he says quietly.

After a moment, Cas nods and Sam lowers his hand from his mouth with a small smile. Sam stands from his position leant across the counter and makes his way to the coffee pot, emptying out the forgotten batch from their last break and setting up a fresh pot. 

Dean has started humming to himself and swaying slightly as he cracks eggs and whisks them into the flour, Cas smiles at the sight, so different to the tense and tormented Dean Winchester of only a few minutes ago. He appreciates the gesture of pancakes, even if he’ll only taste the molecules. That’s one of the things he misses most about life as a human, being able to taste flavours rather than just their chemical components. 

He must have zoned out watching Dean whisking milk into the batter because he starts as Sam places a bowl of cream in front of Crowley with a _thunk_. “Make yourself useful” he says to the demon, not unkindly, handing him a whisk. Crowley places the whisk in the bowl and slides the whole thing over to Castiel.

“I don’t cook” he says 

Sam’s lips turn to a thin line but Cas gladly picks up the whisk to start whipping the cream, happy to have something to do to help. “Fine” Sam says with a sly smile, “you can be on dish duty” he turns and makes his way to get clean coffee mugs. 

“Ass” Crowley mutters under his breath, Cas rolls his eyes

“Would you prefer to whip the cream Crowley?” he says smugly, he doesn’t actually care if he has to do the dishes but he knows it’ll hurt Crowley’s pride to admit that he wants the cream back. The demon just glares and pulls the bowl out of Cas’ hands to start whipping it furiously. Cas rolls his eyes and goes back to watching Dean who is ladling equal amounts of pancake batter into four pans balanced on the stove top. 

Sam hands him a mug of coffee, placing a second on the counter in front of Crowley who puts the cream aside for a moment to add what Castiel can only describe as ‘far too much’ sugar to his cup. Cas brings his own cup to his lips to gently blow across the surface of the hot liquid, too absorbed in watching Dean using the eggflip to check the underside of the pancakes to notice Sam and Crowley watching him with amusement. Dean is oblivious to all of it. 

Half an hour later there’s a stack of pancakes in the centre of the kitchen counter and a plate of crispy bacon strips on the side “Sam? You wanna say grace?” Dean asks. Cas and Crowley’s eyes go wide and eyebrows go up as they look between the brothers seated across from them. 

“I’d love to Dean” Sam bows his head and clasps his hands in front of him, Dean does the same. Cas and Crowley cast a sideways glance at each other, this is by far the strangest thing to happen to them in the last twenty-four hours. Sam takes a deep breath and says “two, four, six, eight, bog in, don’t wait”. Dean grins and reaches forward to grab the first pancake off the stack, tossing it across the bench and onto Cas’ plate.

Cas and Crowley roll their eyes almost in sync “very classy Sam” Crowley praises as they all reach to pile their own plates 

“I like to think that Chuck would appreciate the sentiment” Sam grins. 

“Thank you for breakfast Dean” Cas says sincerely as he drizzles maple syrup over his pancake and bacon stack

“Don’t mention it”  
***

Once breakfast is eaten and only syrup stained plates remain Crowley announces that he, having whipped the cream, had done his fair share of the labor and that he would be retiring to the loungeroom to await the others return. Sam rolls his eyes and asks “Do you guys want a hand?”, Dean turns to watch Cas as he moves the stack of dirty dishes to the sink.

“Nah that’s ok Sammy, I think we’ve got it covered”

Sam smiles and gets up to leave, draining the last of the coffee from his mug before sliding it across the counter to Dean “I’ll go babysit then” he says, grimacing as he turns to leave the kitchen “I’ll make sure he doesn’t keep watching without you” he calls from the doorway.

Dean picks up the empty coffee mugs and carries them over to the sink that Cas has begun filling with hot water, stooping to the cupboard below the sink he pulls out the dish washing detergent and spurts some under the running water. Cas removes his trenchcoat (‘about time’ Dean thinks, surely it can’t be that comfortable to lounge around in) and his suit jacket, hanging them over the back of one of the counter stools. He rolls the sleeves of his white button down until they sit neatly above his elbows and wastes no more time plunging his hands into the hot soapy water.

Dean picks up a dry tea-towel and dries the dishes as Cas rinses and stacks them on the rack next to the sink. They work in amicable silence until Dean asks, “so how are you doing Cas? Don’t tell me you’re fine because I know you’re not”

“I could say the same to you Dean” Cas points out

“Well lucky for me we’re talking about your head and not mine” 

“I’m fine Dean”

“Cas-“

“Dean!” Cas drops the plate he’s washing in frustration and water splashes all up his front, he stops and looks down at his shirt, splotches of it now transparent and stuck uncomfortably to his chest and stomach. He sighs, “I’m sorry Dean, I just… I am fine I’m just worried”

Dean passes him the tea-towel to dry himself off, doing his best to pretend he doesn’t notice Cas notice him totally not noticing how the wet patches of shirt stick to skin. 

“Worried?” he asks, averting his eyes as his tongue darts out to dampen his lips. 

Cas begins patting himself dry as well as he can with the tea-towel, sighing as he realises it’s a futile effort. “Dean, I… I have have made many mistakes. I have done some terrible things, most you know, some you don’t…” he pauses to collect himself before continuing “seeing how accurately you and Sam are being portrayed, how much detail… there are some things I don’t think I could handle seeing myself do, not again” 

“Cas, man, whatever it is, you’re family man. Nothing is gonna change that. If it gets too much then just let me know and-”

“Dean you don’t understand, there are so many mistakes that I’ve made, so many things that I’ve done. For example, Naomi she-“

“Cas” Dean interrupts, placing a hand on his friends’ shoulder “whatever it was man, whatever she made you do, it’s in the past. All of it is in the past, ok? I’ve done some shitty things too, so’s Sam, so’s freaking Crowley, none of us are exactly innocent here buddy” he squeezes Cas’ shoulder in what he hopes is a comforting way and drops his hand. 

Dunking his hand into the cooling dish water and pulling out the last plate to rinse and set on the rack he says, “C’mon, let’s get you into some dry clothes”.

“I don’t have anything else Dean” 

“Yeah what’s with that man? You really should have a spare shirt or something, you can uh borrow some of my stuff for now if you want? Probably comfier than the monkey suit anyway” he rambles as he dries his hand on the tea-towel Cas had discarded, tossing it onto the counter as he turns to head out of the kitchen. Cas grabs his trenchcoat and suit jacket before hurrying after him in the direction of Dean’s room.


	8. Phantom Traveller

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I tell you what, we’ve done some crazy stupid things in our time but this” Dean gestures at the TV “this is definitely one of the crazier stupider things”

Sam and Crowley barely glance up from their phones when Cas and Dean re-enter the loungeroom about fifteen minutes later, Cas decked out in one of Dean’s old hoodies and a pair of sweatpants. Sam’s too busy checking his emails to make sure there isn’t any pressing emergency they should be dealing with today and Crowley is cancelling any and all meetings he’d had scheduled. 

“So what’s the plan for today?” Dean asks the room at large as he and Cas resume their spots on either end of the couch and Cas reorganises his blankets. 

“Well I don’t know about you guys but I think we’ve earnt a day off” Sam says, locking his phone and putting it next to him on the arm of his chair “I’ve done some googling and I don’t think there are any potential hunts locally, Cas? Any leads on Kelly?”

“None so far, I’ve been trying to track her credit cards but she must be making cash transactions” 

“Well that settles it then” Crowley claps his hands together “since apparently none of us have anything better to do, I say the show must go on”, without further ado he selects the fourth episode from the list. 

Dean grimaces as the show opens on a distressed plane passenger to be, he definitely remembers this one and he’s not looking forward to the shit he’ll undoubtedly be getting from Crowley about it. 

“Urgh” Crowley groans a few minutes in “I’d rather the plane go down than have to sit next to that guy for hours on end, _‘I guess time really does fly’_ , honestly” the demon looks like he has a bad smell under his nose.

“You’re not the most pleasant travelling companion either Crowley” Cas points out, thinking back to the weeks he spent stuck in his truck with the demon.

“My sincerest apologies, agent _Beyoncé_ ”

Cas scowls and opens his mouth to retort but Sam sits forward and holds both hands up to get their attention “hey, hey, hey, guys, guys, enough” he says, looking between the two of them. 

“I’m gonna take this opportunity to remind everyone that this bunker is a smite-free zone” Dean pipes up, although he seems fairly un-phased by the bickering, he knows the two of them well enough to know when an argument is petty and when it turns truly spiteful. To be honest, he’d rather they keep bickering to distract from the fact that seeing the plane go down onscreen is making all the blood drain from his face. 

Unfortunately for Dean, attention is drawn back to him only a few minutes later as not-Sam pulls a knife from beneath the pillow that his onscreen doppelganger had been lying on. “Paranoid much” Crowley murmurs. 

_‘that is not fear, that is precaution’_

Dean nods in agreeance with… well, with himself “You can’t be too careful”

“Don’t tell me you still sleep with a knife under your pillow?” the demon asks incredulously “even down here in casa del Winchester, impenetrable fortress and all?’

“Old habits die hard I guess, not a knife though, a pistol”

“Isn’t that uncomfortable?” Cas asks with a head tilt “having such a large piece of metal stuffed under your head”

“eh” Dean half shrugs “I don’t really notice it anymore, I think I’d be less comfortable if it wasn’t there” 

They tune back in just after Jerry finishes telling not-Sam about how much pride he’d heard in John’s voice when he’d spoken of his youngest son. “He wasn’t kidding around about that Sam. Dad… he was so proud of you.”

Sam nods “yeah... I know that now. I just wish he could have told me at the time, it used to drive me crazy, he’d never tell us what he was thinking... It’s not like we could read his mind!” he finishes exasperatedly. 

Crowley snorts “you’d think that emotional constipation was actually a genetic consequence of being a Winchester”

“Yeah because I’m sure your family holidays were just peachy” Dean rolls his eyes as he speaks

“At least my mother _actually told me_ that she hated my personality and detested my very existence, your father just expected you to magically know how he was feeling about you”

“That’s not true, Sam?” Dean turns to his brother for backup

“It’s not entirely true, he always let us know when he was disappointed or angry” Sam says, he doesn’t sound bitter, just stating a fact

Dean opens his mouth to defend their father but pauses and, after a moment of thought, closes it again. Sam and Crowley are right. John Winchester was never one to show much outward affection to his children, at least not after Mary died. What would be the point of defending him, everyone in this room either knew the truth or would learn about it soon enough. Besides, as much as Dean loved his father and appreciates everything he taught him, he can’t deny that it would have been nice to have John tell him he was proud of him once in a while. 

There’s no reason to speak as the bulk of the episode unfolds, Dean’s jaw clenches as the second flight goes down but otherwise the four watch the show unaffected.  
Until: 

_‘are you ok?’_

_‘…no, not really’_

_‘why? What’s wrong?’_

_‘…well I kinda have this problem with the…’_ not-Dean makes a swishing motion with the back of his hand

_‘flying?’_

_‘it’s never really been an issue until now!’_

_‘you’re joking right?’_

_‘do I look like I’m joking? Why do you think I drive everywhere Sam’_

Crowley turns around to face Dean looking like Christmas came early, “flying? Seriously? Are you telling me that all those times I tried to intimidate you all I had to do was tie you up and put you in a helicopter?”

“Shut up, you think stuffing a bunch of people into a flying metal tube is natural?” Dean grimaces at the thought

“Is it flying on planes or just flying in general that scares you Dean?” Cas asks out of honest curiosity

“In general. I like to keep my feet on the ground, where they were intended to be”

Cas nods as if in understanding but says “I have to disagree with you, I love the feeling of flying, there’s nothing quite so freeing… I miss it sometimes” 

“We’ll have to take a plane somewhere Cas” Sam interjects “next time we have a case more than a few states over, Dean can drive and meet us at the airport, I know it won’t be the same but…” he trails off

Cas smiles at his friend although he isn’t sure Sam can see him clearly across the room in the semi-darkness “I appreciate the offer Sam” 

Meanwhile, on screen, the Winchester doppelgangers are trying to figure out if it’s the flight attendant who survived the first crash that the demon is possessing. 

_‘I brought holy water’_ not-Dean suggests 

_‘no, I think we can go more subtle. If she’s possessed, she’ll flinch at the name of God’_

Crowley groans quietly but Sam catches the disgruntled noise and smirks to himself. The demon seated in front of him is not going to enjoy the next few minutes of footage. Sure enough, Crowley visibly flinches every time the word ‘Christo’ is muttered. 

There’s nothing much to say as the onscreen brothers hold down the possessed co-pilot and douse him in holy water, “I tell you what, we’ve done some crazy stupid things in our time but this” Dean gestures at the TV “this is definitely one of the crazier stupider things”

“what? Getting on a plane we knew was doomed to crash within forty minutes of flight, in the hopes that we could not only find but also restrain and exorcise a demon before it took the whole plane down?” Sam asks with a huff of laughter “yeah, I’d list that as pretty high on the stupid-crazy scale”

“Man I am never getting another plane again” Dean shakes his head as they watch his onscreen persona thrown against the side of the plane, obviously terrified, while Sam’s doppelganger finishes the exorcism. 

The episode ends and Crowley glances around the room “another?” the others nod in return and he lets the autoplay system throw them straight into the next episode.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, I just wanted to say thankyou for all the lovely feedback I've been getting (I really do appreciate it!), I'm having a lot of fun with this and I really hope you all enjoy these next chapters!!
> 
> feel free to comment and/or follow me on tumblr @trippedandfellintopurgatory :)


	9. Bloody Mary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “She’s just been marked for death man, you’d be jumpy too” Dean points out “maybe not, y’know, ‘stool through a window in the middle of a crowded room' jumpy but c’mon give her a break”

“Well this was never gonna end well was it?” Dean speaks to the room at large as the four watch the three young girls on screen play truth or dare, surrounded by flickering candles. 

“I don’t understand” Cas says, squinting at the screen and turning his head slightly “by refusing to answer the question _‘do you wanna make out with Benji Sward?’_ isn’t she just confirming their suspicions?”

“Not necessarily” Crowley answers “if I’ve learned anything from the high courts of Hell, it’s that there’s a humongous difference between denial, admission and avoidance”

“I understand the difference between denial and admission but surely avoidance is just a way to get out of telling the truth?” Cas counters

“Depends on the situation”

“Any of them could be used as a sort of power play I guess” Sam offers “to admit, with confidence, that she did want to ‘make out with Benji’ would give her the upper hand because if she’s not embarrassed by it, then they can’t tease her for it”

Crowley nods “If she denies it then they can’t claim that the accusation is true, in-case the topic ever comes up with ‘Benji’, they have no proof”

“And by avoiding the question entirely?” Cas probes

“Keeps the mystery alive” Dean winks

“Actually I was gonna say that avoiding the question could indicate that she doesn’t know the answer herself, maybe she does want to kiss the guy but thinks people will make fun of her for it-“

“Or” Crowley pipes up “maybe she doesn’t, but knows that if she denies it they won’t believe her anyway”, Sam nods in agreeance.

“So… she’s either unsure, insecure or does not trust her friends to believe her answer?”

“Or a combination of all three, yeah” Sam nods again

Cas sighs, “Even after years of watching and even living on Earth, you humans continue to surprise me, you’re so... complex” he pauses and shakes his head as they watch the scene unfold before them – a young woman slowly opening the bathroom door after spying the pooling blood flowing from beneath– “even the simplest interactions are difficult to navigate”. 

“Don’t worry man, even with a lifetime of actually being human, sometimes it still feels like that”, Dean mumbles the last part to himself more than anyone else, the end of his sentence drowned out by the girls screams. 

Both Cas and Dean glance towards Sam as his nightmares play on the screen before them. Sam picks at his nails rather than watch the screen but otherwise shows no outward signs of discomfort so both turn back to the TV to see the brothers enter the morgue.

A few minutes later (having bribed their way into the morgue, invited themselves to the dead mans wake and spoken to the daughters of the victim) the pseudo Winchesters have snuck into the upstairs bathroom where the murder occurred. 

“What would you say if someone caught the two of you poking around up there?” Crowley asks “it’s not like you could say you needed the loo, not when both of you were in there, that would raise more questions if anything”

Sam and Dean share a glance and then shrug, they’d grown up having to lie and improvise about who they were and what they were doing. Bullshitting to get out of sticky situations was something they both thought of as a refined skill. 

_‘what are you doing up here?’_ one of the women from the wake asks, having found the brothers in the bathroom

_‘we… we had to go to the bathroom’_ not-Dean answers, smiling like he’s proud of himself for coming up with such a quick response.

“Well… I guess that answers that question” Crowley mutters, Cas laughs quietly to himself as he watches Deans face turn red in the lowlight from the TV. To Dean’s relief, Crowley stays quiet for the rest of the exchange, the four fall into a comfortable silence until

_‘whoever they were, they were cute’_

Dean sits up a little straighter at that and Cas outright snorts, “what?” Dean says indignantly 

“You just look so… smug” Cas says with an amused smile 

“It’s a compliment! I’m allowed to look a little smug if someone says they find me attractive!”

“Dean, that was over ten years ago” Sam points out 

“What’re you saying Sam? You don’t think I’m cute?”

“Cute isn’t the word I’d use” Cas answers for him in a serious tone

Sam just rolls his eyes and turns back to the screen, smiling softly and shaking his head in amusement at his brothers antics. “Whatever” Dean grumbles, folding his arms across his chest and sinking back down on the couch.

“Out of curiosity, Castiel, what word _would_ you use?”

The angel takes a moment to think before turning back to Crowley with an answer, “lumberjack-y”. 

“Oh c’mon man! _‘Lumberjack-y’_ ?! that’s not even a real word!” Dean protests as Crowley and Sam laugh

“Prove it.” Cas says bluntly “I speak more languages than the human race can even remember” 

“Yeah, and how many of those have a word for ‘lumberjack’?” 

“Wouldn’t you like to know”

Dean glares at his friend who only smirks in return until Dean inevitably gives in and turns back to the screen with a huff, he waits until he can see that Cas is facing the television before he allows himself a small smile. 

Their smiles fade as they watch not-Dean and not-Sam piecing together the puzzle, that the second victim had committed a hit and run offence leaving an eight year old boy dead. That the first victim had murdered his wife, causing her to over-dose on her sleeping pills.

The four sit in silence as the show progresses, Crowley mutters “there’s always one” under his breath as the first victims eldest daughter, Donna, summons Bloody Mary in the school bathroom. All four raise their eyebrows as the girl named Charlie loses control in her science class, screaming hysterically and throwing a stool through a classroom window. “And people call me dramatic” Crowley says to no one in particular. 

“She’s just been marked for death man, you’d be jumpy too” Dean points out “maybe not, y’know, ‘stool through a window in the middle of a crowded room’ jumpy but c’mon give her a break”

Crowley rolls his eyes as the scene changes and the Winchesters’ doppelgangers are shown covering any reflective surface they find in the musty motel room, Charlie cowers in the middle of a bed with her jumper pulled up to cover her eyes. 

Sam looks towards the couch out the corner of is eye as his brothers doppelganger pulls the car over and gives a speech about Sam needing to forgive himself for Jessica’s death 

_‘Sam this has gotta stop man, I mean… the nightmares an-and calling her name out in the middle of the night, it’s gonna kill you. Now listen to me. It wasn’t your fault.”_

Dean feels Sam’s eyes watching him and turns to give him a small, sad, smile. Looking away when he notices that his brothers eyes are just a tad shinier than normal, he knows that if Sam cries then he’s gonna cry.

Sam turns back to the screen as well, wondering how Dean would have reacted had he used this speech on him, back when Cas was lost in Purgatory. Probably not well, he decides, pushing the thought to the back of his mind.

Sam closes his eyes as his doppelgangers reflection begins to speak independently, controlled by the spirit causing the deaths. He focusses on his breathing, making sure to inhale through his nose and exhale through his mouth in a slow, steady rhythm. He doesn’t want to have to leave the room, doesn’t want to miss anything, but seeing himself like this – bleeding from the eyes and hearing again about Jessica’s death – is painful. Even though he’d learned to forgive himself long ago.

Although, if he thinks about it, he’s glad that he has these experiences to work through first. He knows that seeing himself dealing with Ruby and Lilith and Lucifer will likely be much harder to deal with than this. Hearing demons and spirits talk about Jess is almost like sticking his toe in to test the water temperature before diving straight into the deep end. 

“Sam?” Dean whispers “I smashed the mirror”

Sam smiles weakly and nods as he opens his eyes, grateful that Dean doesn’t say anything else. He can’t remember if he’d ever told his brother that he’d dreamt about Jess’ death before it happened. He’d certainly never told Cas or Crowley and he’s thankful that neither of them have said a word about it. 

_‘hey Sam?’_

_‘yeah?’_

_‘that’s gotta be like, what? Six-hundred years bad luck?’_

“Well that explains a lot” Crowley quips, the others huff a laugh but say nothing as the rest of the episode plays. 

As the screen fades to black Cas murmurs into the darkness “Sam… I didn’t… did you really see her like that? standing on the street, or was it added by the show?”

Sam sighs “Y’know Cas, at the time, I really did think I saw her standing there. Now… now I think maybe it was just some other girl that looked a bit like her or maybe it was some kind of projection from Azazel, to keep me thinking of her, to keep my emotions running high”

The angel nods “I’m sorry. I can’t imagine what it must have been like, to see the woman you loved wherever you went and having to remind yourself that it couldn’t be true”, Dean stares determinedly down at his hands

Sam offers his friend a small smile “thanks Cas” 

“Tragic” Crowley offers, Dean thinks the demon is actually being more sincere than his usual sarcasm would allow but he is running on caffeine and about three hours sleep so his judgement may be off. 

“Shall we continue?” Cas asks as the autoplay counts down the seconds until the next episode begins. 

No one objects so he lets the next episode begin as he pulls his feet up to the side, rearranging his blankets and repositioning himself to lean against the arm of the couch.


	10. Skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey Dean?” Sam says
> 
> “Yeah?”
> 
> “You’re a moron”
> 
> “Shutup”

“So” Crowley begins as the sixth episode opens with the now familiar ‘previously on Supernatural’, “I’ve been doing some calculations and I’m fairly certain that we could finish, at least this first season, in one hit”

“In one hit?” Dean asks incredulously

“Some of us need to sleep Crowley” Sam reminds him

“Hear me out Moose, it’s not that unrealistic” the demon turns around on his beanbag to face the others properly “according to my watch it’s only just gone nine o’clock in the morning. We’ve watched five episodes already which means that there’s only seventeen left to go!”

“Seventeen episodes doesn’t sound like much until you remember that each one goes for forty minutes” Sam points out “that’s like-“

“six hundred and eighty minutes” Cas provides “or eleven point three, three hours”

“There is no way you’re getting me to sit in here and do nothing for eleven hours” Dean says, leaving no room for argument

“Fine, fine, I yield” Crowley resigns “I, personally, think it’s achievable but alas”

Sam shushes him, with a kick to the back of his beanbag for emphasis, “guys we’re missing the episode”

Sure enough, the recap has finished and the episode has properly started. The four are engrossed as they witness the tactical team make their way through the house, finding a bloodied and terrified victim who points them in the direction of her attacker. As the team apprehends the assailant and demand he turn around, revealing Dean’s face, Crowley gasps in a mock dramatic fashion, Sam and Dean roll their eyes in sync.

“Don’t tell me, you two aren’t finally apprehended here are you? about bloody time” Crowley huffs

“Shut up Crowley, we’ve saved your ass more than once so don’t act like us being dead or friggen imprisoned would be a huge convenience” Dean says “hell, the world would be screwed if we hadn’t been around to stop the apocalypse!” he pauses “and the next one… and the next”

“Dean, I’m not taking sides here or anything but Cas _did_ pull you out of Hell, me too actually, you really think they would have let us miss the apocalypse just because we were _incarcerated_?” 

Dean opens his mouth, pauses for a moment and closes it again, turning back to the TV “Shutup” he grumbles.

Onscreen the pseudo Winchesters are talking about having friends, the pros and the cons of letting people get close in their line of work. 

_‘so what am I supposed to do? Just, cut everybody out from my life?’_

_‘look it sucks but… a job like this, you can’t afford to get close to people’_

“Y’know, sometimes I hate being right” Dean says “I hate that letting people get close means letting them get close to danger…”. His mind races through the names and faces of people that he’s loved, friends that he’s lost, family that he’s lost – although he admits that, at this point, those three categories have more or less merged into one big blur over the last few years. 

“Is that why you keep me at such an arms-length then? You care so much about me that you couldn’t bear to see me hurt?” Crowley teases

“I keep you at an arms-length because it makes you easier to punch when required” Dean says in a matter of fact tone

“oh stop that, you’re making my nethers quiver” the demon winks 

Sam makes a face of disgust and kicks the back of Crowley’s beanbag, the demon just rolls his eyes and says “fine, onto new topics, Castiel?” he asks, turning his body to face the angel still curled against the arm of the couch

“What is it Crowley?” 

“It always eluded my knowledge but seeing as I’ve got you here and we’re vaguely close to the topic, how _did_ you manage to break B1 and B2 over here out of Hell? I had Dean under the tutelage of Alastair for crying out loud, and Moose? He was in the cage!” 

Cas doesn’t answer immediately, he’s very much aware of the fact that it’s not just Crowley watching him for his answer but Sam and Dean as well. “Well… the first time it wasn’t just me, I lead a whole garrison of angels to fetch Dean, he was – he is – the Righteous Man after all, it was an important mission” he pauses before continuing, more emotion in his voice than before “many angels were lost in that fight, your demons, they fought well” 

“But you got through Cas, how?” Sam asks tentatively when it seems like his friend won’t elaborate without further prodding

The angels eyes skip around the room before landing, on Dean. For a few moments he wonders how he can explain the feeling that over took him the first time he laid eyes on Dean’s soul. 

In his true form, without a vessel, he was much better attuned to the state of a beings’ soul and what he saw when he first glimpsed Deans’… He had never sensed more pain. More guilt. More suffering. 

As overwhelming as this was, the thing that astounded Castiel more than anything was how brightly Deans’ soul shone. Despite all the pain, all the guilt and grief and suffering, despite forty years in Hell, enduring torture and eventually turning to torture himself – his soul was still the brightest Castiel had ever seen. 

It had been like falling under a spell, not really aware of what he was doing or how. He had been drawn to Deans’ soul like a moth to a flame, smiting anything that lay in his path because he had to get closer, closer to the light, closer to the warmth. The thought had consumed him entirely. 

Truth be told he doesn’t remember how he fought off the remaining demons single handed, the rest of his garrison either fallen or otherwise engaged. All he knows is that he did it, he saved Dean Winchester, the how and the why never really seemed that important. 

“Cas? Cas you with us buddy?” Deans worried voice and a solid hand on his shoulder pulls Castiel from the trance he’d fallen into, remembering that long gone struggle. The angel blinks a few times and looks down, away from the clearly concerned face of his friend. 

“I ummm” He glances rapidly between the three faces looking to him “I was… determined” he finally says

“Determined?” Crowley says incredulously “I’m fairly certain my demons were determined too Castiel”

“Obviously not as determined as me” Cas says with finality in his tone “my… determination was enough that your demons stepped out of my way and let me walk straight through when the time came to raise Sam, I barely had to lift a finger” 

Having said his piece, Cas turns back to the TV so suddenly that if he were human he surely would have given himself whiplash. Dean lets out a low whistle as he and the others turn back to the screen at a more reasonable pace. He forgets sometimes that his friend ‘Cas’ is actually ‘Castiel the millennia old being of celestial intent’ and a total badass.

The four let silence take over them as they watch the onscreen Winchesters finish poking around the crime scene, having sweet talked their way in by convincing Sam’s friend that Dean was a cop from out of state. 

There’s nothing much to say as the episode progresses, they watch the monster frame it’s second victim as an attempted murderer and see not-Sam and not-Dean work their way into the sewer system. Both pull a disgusted face as they see the puddle of skin left behind by the shifter “man that’s never not gonna be gross” Dean says to no one in particular, all three nod in agreement. 

Sam grimaces as he’s forced to relive the phone conversation with Becky, he’d forgotten about that.

“Why is it that no one bats an eyelid when someone climbs haphazardly out of a sewage drain and runs frantically into the night?” Crowley asks, gesturing at the couple who walk past as if nothing is out of the ordinary, he doesn’t get an answer because (quite frankly) no one can explain that particular phenomenon. “Why are there so many people walking around a park in the dark in the first place? Honestly, monsters? Those I can understand but _people_?”

Crowley falls quiet with a frustrated huff just as the show reveals that not-Dean is being impersonated by the shifter. When Sam’s doppelganger pulls his gun on the shifter and explains how he knew it wasn’t his brother, Dean smiles and says a quiet “atta boy Sammy” to himself. Both Sam and Dean are quietly enjoying being able to see what was happening to the other when they were split up. 

The scene cuts to show Sam tied to a pillar, the shifter (still disguised as Dean) looming over him. As the scene progresses and the dialogue starts, Sam shifts uncomfortably in his seat. 

_‘he’s sure got issues with you’_ the shifter taunts _‘you got to go to college, he had to stay home. I mean_ I _had to stay home. With Dad. You don’t think I had dreams of my own? But Dad needed me. Where the hell were you?’_

_‘where… is my brother?’_

_‘I’m your brother. See, deep down, I’m just jealous. You got friends, you could have a life… me? I know I’m a freak, and sooner or later everybody’s gonna leave me’_

Dean is staring resolutely at the screen, he wasn’t there for this, he was unconscious on the other side of the room. Little did he know that the shifter had been sorting through his mind, through his memories… Saying things he would never have admitted out loud himself. He’s thankful that the others are staying quiet, he considers cracking a joke to make the whole thing seem less serious – something about the dramatization of TV – but he can’t bring himself to do it. They wouldn’t believe him anyway, everything else had been too accurate and besides, the whole point of this was that everyone would know the truth. 

It might be using the information to hurt Sam in ways that Dean never would, but the shifter wasn’t actually wrong. Dean had been jealous, did have dreams of his own and (at the time) had definitely thought himself as something of a freak. Nowadays it was only the last part that really affected him, sometimes it was hard to ignore that nagging voice in his mind that told him everyone would leave him. Eventually. 

None of them, not even Crowley, are entirely comfortable as the footage moves forward and the shifter uses Dean’s face to get itself into Becky’s home. It gives it’s ‘pity me’ speech and for half a second the four almost feel sorry for it. But it doesn’t stop there. Harassing Becky, getting handsy, and making her obviously uncomfortable, Dean can’t bear to watch, seeing what looks like him acting like that is enough to make his stomach churn. Then things turn violent.

As the episode comes full circle and shows the tactical team corner the shifter, Sam lets go of a breath he didn’t realise he’d been holding. He never knew that Becky had been so close to losing her life, he knew it had been close but… the shifter had the knife at her throat and if the tactical team had taken only a minute longer it would have been too late.

They watch as the shifter makes it’s escape, collapsing in the sewers. Crowley wolf whistles as it removes it’s shirt, Dean throws a pillow at him. Then it begins to shed and all of them are glad they’ve had time for their breakfast to settle. “Thank god we didn’t have to see that in real life” Dean mumbles, his face screwed up in disgust as he shifters finger nails and teeth are pushed from it’s body and it rips off it’s own skin. 

Meanwhile, not-Sam and not-Dean have been cornered by yet more officers as they try to make their way back to the Impala. 

_‘Dean! Stay out of the sewers alone’_ not-Sam calls after his brother as he makes a run for it _‘I mean it!’_

_‘yeah, yeah!’_

The scene changes to show pseudo Dean loading his gun, _‘sorry Sam, you know me, I just can’t wait’_

“Hey Dean?” Sam says

“Yeah?”

“You’re a moron”

“Shutup”

They watch as Sam gets knocked out by the shifter disguised as Becky

“Hey Sam?” Dean says 

“What?”

“You’re a moron”

“Another delightful Winchester trait” Crowley mumbles

The episode wraps up with the death of the shifter, not-Dean arriving in the nick of time to shoot the monster and save his little brother. 

_‘y’know I gotta say, I’m sorry I’m gonna miss it’_

_‘miss what?’_

_‘how many chances am I gonna have to see my own funeral?’_

“Oh man if only you knew” Sam says, shaking his head with a small smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, hope you enjoy the latest update! :)
> 
> as always, feel free to leave a comment and/or follow me on tumblr @trippedandfellintopurgatory :)


	11. Hook Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yet another Winchester family trait” Crowley muses “holding obscenely long grudges”
> 
> “Shutup Crowley”

None of them bother to ask whether or not they should let the next episode play, they’re all aware that none of them have much better to do today and besides, all of them are enjoying watching the show more than they would care to let on. So, if no one is putting up a fight, the show must go on. 

The four stay fairly quiet during the _‘previously on Supernatural’_ , taking the minute or so to shift themselves into slightly more comfortable positions. Crowley subtly toes off his shoes while Sam pulls a blanket across his lap, Cas slouches a little further down so that his head is resting on the arm of the couch, his knees tucked up near his chest and Dean takes the opportunity to reach down and pick up the pillow he’d tossed at Crowley’s head, crossing his arms to hold it against his chest. 

The scene plays and they see a young woman named Lori ask her friend for help as she gets ready for a date, it still feels so surreal to Sam and Dean. To watch the lives of the people they’ve met (or the victims they’ve avenged) actually playing out before them. Innocent people, normal people, who are about to have their lives changed forever. 

Crowley rolls his eyes as Lori’s date gets out of the car to investigate the strange noises, despite Lori’s best attempts to keep him in the car. “Honestly? Have none of these people ever seen a horror movie?” 

“To them that’s all they are, movies, that kind of stuff just doesn’t happen ‘in real life’” Sam sighs “besides, it wouldn’t make a difference, the spirit would get them anyway” they fall silent again until Lori collapses into the foot well of the car, trying desperately to avoid the screeching sound she can hear along the roof of the car “see” Sam huffs exasperatedly. 

“Oh yes, get out of the car, the only thing standing between you and the mysterious yet terrifying noises, what a good idea” Crowley says sarcastically.

“I’m actually with Crowley on this one” Dean adds, leaning forwards a little “what is she thinking?”

“I think that’s the point” Cas mumbles, part of his mouth obscured by the arm of the couch, “she’s terrified, she’s not thinking at all”

“She’s going to get herself killed! Even if it was just a run of the mill serial killer that would have been a dumb move”

“You can’t expect anyone to be rational when they’re emotional Dean, it doesn’t work like that”

“Doesn’t mean it wasn’t a dumb move”

“What would you have done?”

“It doesn’t matter what I would have done”

“You’re only saying that because you know you would have done the same thing”

“You don’t know that”

“Dean when have you ever not chased after a fight?”

As Cas and Dean continue to bicker amongst themselves Sam nudges the beanbag with his foot, causing Crowley to glance back at him as he mutters “I know what I should get them for Christmas” the demon cocks one eyebrow in question “couples counselling” Sam finishes, a small smile playing across his lips. 

Crowley grins and then settles back to watch the screen, Cas suddenly pulls himself out of he and Dean’s bickering when a new character is shown. A young man, a fraternity brother to the victim, painting himself a dull, musky shade of purple. “I don’t understand, why is he covering himself in paint?” he asks the room at large, moving into a sitting position and squinting at the screen. 

“It’s to show school spirit Cas” Sam supplies, “you dress up in the colours of your team to show support”

The angel nods but still doesn’t seem to grasp the concept, “Don’t worry about it Castiel, it’s an American notion, I’ve never understood it either” Crowley chimes in. 

“American notion?” Dean snorts, doing a bad impression of Crowley’s strong British accent “It’s not like other countries don’t have sports Crowley”

“Yes but only America seems to take inter-school sport so seriously”

“Cas?” Sam interjects, having been struck by a sudden thought “do you have anything like ‘sport’ in Heaven? Or is it just a human thing?”

Cas thinks for a moment, zoning out on the screen in front of him as pseudo-Sam is roped into helping the boy slather paint over the harder to reach sections of his back. “As fledglings, young angels, we were encouraged to practice sparring” he explains, a far off look and small smile on his face as he reminisces on a distant memory. “It isn’t for fun, more like training, a way to separate those who would become warriors of God from those who would work in other factions such as cupids. There was no real encouragement given for winning, the other angels didn’t take sides or offer support for one competitor or another like humans would for their sporting teams”. 

After a few moments of contemplative silence, the angel blinks a few times as if shaking himself out of his memories. “To answer your question Sam, no. There aren’t really ‘sports’ in Heaven”. 

“That must have been impressive to see” Sam smiles at his friend “you kicking ass in proper sparring sessions with other angels”

“I don’t know about ‘kicking ass’, I was never a particularly good fighter. Good enough to be a Seraph yes but not one of the more highly regarded among them in terms of hand to hand combat, I am much more suited to tactical areas of conflict”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit Castiel, not just anyone could have fought through Hell’s defences” Crowley surprised them all with his input, seemingly complimenting the angel on defeating his army of demons. “What?” he asks “credit where credit’s due and all that…” he trails off.

“Well thankyou” Cas acknowledges Crowley with a small tilt of his head “but I don’t think Heaven sent me to Hell because of my fighting ability”

The other three turned to face Cas, confusion and mild surprise evident on their faces, why send Cas if not for his combat skills? 

“They sent me because I’m expendable, easy to replace if killed or irreversibly maimed”

Both Sam and Dean frown at the use of present tense, Sam mostly sad that Cas’s so called family up in Heaven had never made him feel like anything more than just another grunt. Dean on the other hand was on the verge of fury about it. 

“Bullshit. Cas, that’s bullshit. You are not expendable ok? Never have been, capisce?” Dean turns an imploring look upon his friend at the other end of the couch, willing him to understand how much he and Sam (and even, probably, Crowley to some extent) appreciate him and his friendship.

“Yes, I ‘capisce’” Cas allows a small smile to flit across his face, glancing between the brothers before looking down into his lap. He could feel the beginnings of that odd prickling sensation behind his eyes. 

“Good” Dean says with finality, turning away from where he had been studying Castiel’s body language, to focus back on the screen. “For what it’s worth” he adds quietly so that only the angel can hear “I’m glad it was you that pulled me out, you’re not so much of a dick” he finishes with a side glance and a smile.

“Right, so I’m only a bit of a dick?” he murmurs back

“Everyone’s a bit of a dick Cas, and if they act like they aren’t then they’re lying” Dean says as if he has amassed some large amount of wisdom on the topic which, Castiel assumes, he probably has. 

By the time they turn their full attention back to the screen in front of them the onscreen brothers have already interviewed the only living witness, Lori, and are theorising about the possibility of the monster of the episode being the Hook Man. 

_‘1862, a preacher named Jacob Carnes was arrested for murder. Looks like he was so angry over the red light district in town that one night he killed thirteen prostitutes –‘_

“Sounds like a charmer” Crowley snorts 

Castiel sighs “sometimes the things that so called Holy Men will do in the name of my father astounds me”

Neither Sam, Dean or Crowley thought this would be an appropriate time to bring up the frankly astounding things that Cas had done in the name of, well, himself when he had his chance to play God so they decided to let that one go.

As the pseudo Winchesters head to Nine Mile Road to check out the scene of the original crime the episode cuts to a scene of Lori being dropped off at her Sorority house by her father, the local preacher. 

There’s nothing to say as Lori gets ready for bed, her roommate seemingly fast asleep on her bed across the room, Sam and Dean know better – if the girl isn’t dead yet then she will be soon enough. The scene changes again and the onscreen brothers are arrested by the local authorities. 

“Can’t really blame them for that one, we were hanging out at an active crime scene, in the middle of the night, brandishing a gun” Sam muses as not-Dean grumbles about being made to lie belly to the ground. 

“Ok yeah, I get that but first of all: you were the one with the gun and second of all, you put it down! Why’d he have to make us lie in the dirt?” Dean grumbles

“Yet another Winchester family trait” Crowley muses “holding obscenely long grudges”

“Shutup Crowley” the brothers say in sync, the demon just rolls his eyes and tunes back into the episode as Lori screams, discovering her dead friend and the fear inducing message carved into the wall. 

The four lapse into silence after that, watching as the episode unfolds. Eventually, the onscreen brothers split up to cover their bases, not-Sam posted outside Lori’s house and inadvertently eavesdropping on her and her father arguing. Not-Dean meanwhile is stuck searching for an unmarked grave, digging up the remains and going through the motions of a typical salt and burn job. It isn’t until Lori has spotted Sam and come out to talk to him that anyone speaks, it’s Crowley

“Score one for the moose” he says as Lori leans in for a kiss “it’s about time you got some action instead of Squirrel”

Sam rolls his eyes but otherwise ignores the remark and they all continue watching as the episode reaches it’s climax, with the pseudo brothers finding and melting every last scrap of silver they can find in the reverends home and church in the hopes of putting the spirit to rest. Eventually melting the right heirloom, Lori’s chain.

As the episode winds down, not-Dean explaining to the sheriff that he and not-Sam are planning on leaving town and Lori saying her goodbyes to the younger brother, Dean stands up and stretches his arms above his head. Swaying side to side slightly to shake out the stiffness in his back, shoulders and neck. Even he will admit that he’s getting too old to be sitting around in the same position all day and the last thing he needs is to put his back out just from sitting on the couch. 

Sam grabs his phone from where he left it on the arm of his chair, pressing the home button to light the screen. “It’s just gone ten forty guys, I think it’s time for a break” he says, pushing himself up from the chair and moving to turn the light on.

Crowley pauses the autoplay and picks up his phone, seemingly intent on searching something. Meanwhile, Cas takes advantage of the fact that Dean has vacated the couch to lay his head back down on the armrest and stretch himself out on the plush cushions. 

“According to this” Crowley begins, apparently having found whatever he’d been looking for “the next episode is called _‘Bugs’_ and is, to use the words of this particular viewer, _‘a boring ass episode that never should have made it past the writing room’_ ”. He looks up at the brothers now standing between his beanbag and the television “are you sure that you want to have a break now or did you want to watch –“ he glances back down to his phone “- _‘one of the worst episodes of any tv show ever’_ first?”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! 
> 
> I know it's been a little while since I've updated (sorry about that), things got a little bit hectic for me in the last month or so and I haven't had the time or motivation to sit down and properly focus on writing, that being said, I'm hoping to get back to a more frequent updating schedule from here on out :)
> 
> As always I hope you enjoy the chapter, feel free to leave a comment and/or follow me on tumblr @trippedandfellintopurgatory :)


	12. A Brief Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “the king of Hell is in the family room?”

The boys are saved from answering by the echoing sound of the bunker door slamming shut and light footsteps as someone makes their way down the stairs to the war room. The four men (well, two men, an angel and a demon) look between each other as if one of them should know who it is apparently letting themselves into the bunker.

“Sam?! Dean?!”

Shoulders that had been tensed relax as Dean sighs “Mum” but the state of relaxation only lasts a millisecond as Sam’s eyes widen and he looks around the room at the others and then back to the television which is still paused a few seconds into the autoplay screen

“what are we gonna tell her?” he asks. Sure they’d had time to adjust to the idea of watching themselves on screen but Mary was still learning how to text, he seriously doubted she would get used to the idea as easily as the rest of them had. Besides, this would be seeing a new side to not only her sons but also her husband. When she had died John was still a doting father, level headed and caring… the John from the point in their lives that the show was depicting was basically anything but doting and level headed. 

“Sam?! Dean?!” Mary’s call has a slight edge to it now, a barely noticeable hint of worry creeping in

The brothers share a look, apparently something unspoken travels between them that goes completely over Cas and Crowley’s heads because next second Dean is speaking for the both of them. “You two stay here and try not to kill eachother, Sam and I will go and explain whatever this is – “ he gestures towards the TV “ – and bring Mum back here if she thinks she’s up for watching with us” Cas nods, sitting back down cross legged on the couch (Sam was right, sweatpants were much comfier than his dress slacks) as Crowley rolls his eyes, collapsing back onto his beanbag with a mock salute. 

“Whatever you say _boss_ ” Crowley quips as the brothers make their way towards the sound of their mothers footsteps

Dean pokes his head back through the doorway and jabs a finger at Crowley, “no smiting you two” he says with a pointed look at Cas who frowns back “and no watching without us!” he calls over his shoulder as he jogs to catch up with Sam.

Further down the hallway, Sam finds Mary looking questioningly at the large number of dishes stacked on the drying rack in the kitchen “did you have guests?” she asks when she turns to see Sam in the doorway. 

“Uh, yeah I guess so” Sam huffs out, completely unsure how to explain to his mother that one of those ‘guests’ is the king of Hell himself. “They’re in the family room down the hall” he explains, gesturing over his shoulder to where Dean is approaching. 

“Hey Mum” he calls as he comes to a stop just behind Sam who’s body is taking up most of the doorway, “what brings you to the Bat Cave?” 

“Oh I was just passing through between cases, took care of a poltergeist a couple of towns over and thought I’d stop by to see my boys” she says with a tentative smile “if that’s ok?”

“It’s great Mum” Dean assures her “just… this is a really weird day…” he trails off, looking to Sam for help trying to explain the situation their mother had unknowingly wandered into. 

“Ok” Mary is frowning slightly now, looking between her sons as they seem to fumble for a place to start “how about you start by telling me who these people are that you have hiding down the hallway” she says, taking a seat at the counter. 

Sam glances at Dean who nods at him to take over the explanation, “they’re not people exactly, Cas is here, Cas and uh… Crowley”

“Crowley?....” it takes her a moment to remember who that is, there have been so many new people she’s had to keep track of since she got back, suddenly it hits her “the king of   
Hell is in the family room?” she asks, somewhat bewildered but also with a hint of exasperation and resignation. Her families’ life seems to constantly waver between sounding like an action thriller or like the lead up to a bad joke. 

“Uh, yeah” Sam huffs out a laugh, reaching one hand up to scratch behind his head a little sheepishly. He is well aware how strange their relationship is with Crowley, particularly Dean’s relationship with Crowley (which Sam tries not to dwell on too much because to be perfectly honest he really doesn’t want to know how they killed time during Dean’s early days as a demon). 

“It’s kind of a long story” Dean starts “Crowley showed up at the ass-crack of dawn”

“Before the ass-crack of dawn”

“Whatever, he shows up out of nowhere and tells Sam he found a TV show about our lives on Netflix, and I don’t mean any of this ‘loosely based’ crap either, it’s word for word” 

“So we’ve been watching the first season with him and Cas, we thought it could be a good way to give ourselves a kind of clean slate I guess. There’s nowhere to hide your thoughts and feelings when they’re playing through surround sound y’know?” 

If Mary wasn’t confused before then she certainly was now. A television show? About her sons? What on Earth was a _‘Netflix’_? She looked between her sons who seemed to be watching carefully for her reaction but what was she supposed to say to that? The last television show she watched with her sons would have been Saturday morning cartoons over bowls of cereal or, in Sam’s case, mushed up carrots.

Thankfully she’s saved from saying anything when Dean’s phone starts beeping. He frowns slightly as he pulls it out of his sweatpants pocket, “Cas wants us to hurry back” he reads off the small screen “says Crowley made him tune his phone to the same universe as the Netflix server we’re using for the show…”. Deans phone goes off twice in quick succession and the blood drains from his face and he shoves the phone into Sam’s chest before turning abruptly and walking back down the hallway slightly faster than normal. 

Sam and Mary frown after him as he retreats. Sam gesturing for Mary to follow her eldest son back down the hallway to the family room with a shrug. As she walks ahead, he pulls the phone from his chest to see what it was that made Dean leave so abruptly. There were two texts from Cas:

_‘Dean, Crowley won’t stop laughing’_

_‘Dean, what is a “destiel”?’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! I know this one's a little short but the next is a tad longer than normal so I figure it all equals out haha
> 
> as always I hope you enjoy and feel free to comment and/or follow me on tumblr @trippedandfellintopurgatury :)


	13. Bugs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _‘Saving people, hunting things, the family business’_
> 
> Mary did her best not to cringe at that, this is not the life she wanted for her boys, she had been so determined not to inherit the family business and when her parents had died… she thought it would have ended with them. 
> 
> _‘You think Mum would have wanted this for us?’_

Mary Winchester has seen many strange things in her life but nothing could have prepared her for what she walked into that morning. As she entered the ‘family room’ as it were, she was greeted by Cas standing near the doorway looking exasperatedly down past his folded arms to the mess of limbs on the floor at his feet. She wasn’t sure what was more absurd, seeing the angel out of his usual business attire (and in what she could only assume were Dean’s spare pyjamas) or the fact that he was watching disapprovingly as her eldest son wrestled the king of Hell for a mobile phone.

“Give it Crowley!”

“It’s my phone Winchester and I can do what I want with it!”

“Nope. You’ve lost internet privileges in this bunker”

“Urgh. What are you, my mother?!”

“Shut up”

“Oh, how original of you”

Sam, who’s been peering over the top of Mary’s head with poorly hidden amusement up until this point decides that enough is enough and someone should really intervene before something gets broken, like a chair, or a nose. He places a hand on Mary’s shoulder and gently moves her to the side so that he can step over the writhing, insult slinging mass that is his brother and Crowley. 

From his new position near their heads it’s much easier for him to grab the both of them by an ear and forcefully pull them apart with undignified yelps. The phone falls to the floor and Mary steps quickly to retrieve it, stowing it in the pocket of her jacket before either of them can escape and make a fresh attempt.

“You can have it back when you leave” she says in her best mum voice, the one she used to reserve for when Dean refused to put pants on in the morning and tried to run from her in only his underwear. 

Sam releases both of them with a smirk and they both grumble to themselves as they rub their bright red ears, sore from where Sam grabbed them so hard. Dean pushes himself up off the floor as Crowley futilely attempts to straighten his suit and sit himself back on his beanbag with at least a little dignity.

“Thanks for the help Cas, much appreciated” Dean grumbles as he slouches on his end of the couch

Cas glares at him “you won’t even tell me what was so worth wrestling over and yet you expect me to throw myself in with you?” he says, sounding more irritated at being left out of the loop than anything else

“wouldn’t be out of character” Crowley pipes up unhelpfully, earning himself a spectacular glare from Cas and a kick to the back of his beanbag from Sam who’s settled himself back in his armchair.

By this point, Cas (who seems to be frustrated that Dean refuses to explain what a ‘destiel’ is) has sat himself at his end of the couch, legs pulled up so that he can rest his chin on his knees and only Mary is left standing. She’s still hovering awkwardly in the doorway, not quite sure if she should take a seat or her leave. The decision is made for her when 

Dean looks up at her from where he’s been moping with a hopeful look on his face. He moves his hand to pat the empty space left between he and Cas “there’s room for one more, if you want”.

And that’s that, Mary nods and makes her way to the empty seat, taking her place as Crowley snaps his fingers to shut off the lights and someone hits play on the remote. 

Mary’s never felt quite like this. Not only is the whole situation just ridiculous to begin with but now she’s about to watch her sons lives play out for her on television? The lives they lead while she was dead? For the first time it occurs to her that John may still be alive on the show, the thought consumes her and she almost doesn’t notice when the episode is paused again almost the second that it starts. 

“Sorry” Sam mutters as Crowley groans, obviously keen to finally start the episode “Mum, we forgot to tell you that there might be flashbacks to that night when you…. well, when you died so… is that, are you gonna be ok? You can feel free to leave if you want and we won’t make you keep watching if you don’t want to…” he trails off as Cas and Dean both turn to watch Mary’s expressions. 

“I’ll be fine” she says with more courage than she feels, adding what she hopes is a reassuring smile to her boys (Cas included) to really sell it. They don’t look entirely convinced but it must have been enough because the episode starts to play. She hears herself gasp as their old house comes on screen and then, there she is, there’s John and the boys… the three of them actually looking the way that she remembers them. Suddenly she isn’t so sure she’ll be fine, just these first few seconds are almost proving to be too much. 

_‘Saving people, hunting things, the family business’_

Mary did her best not to cringe at that, this is not the life she wanted for her boys, she had been so determined not to inherit the family business and when her parents had died… she thought it would have ended with them. 

_‘You think Mum would have wanted this for us?’_

Of course. These were her boys when they didn’t know her, when they hadn’t seen her alive in twenty two years. They had no idea what she was like, only knew as much about her as John did and in retrospect – he didn’t know an awful lot about her at all (or at least not what had shaped her to be who she was). 

It got her thinking, what had John told them? She had so many questions, the more she thought about it the more questions she had. Where was John? Where were Cas and the other angels? How long had they known each other anyway? Or even Crowley? She’s sure that Dean must have mentioned all of this when he caught her up on all she had missed in the graveyard but… so much had happened that night that it was all a bit of a blur and she felt like she’d never stopped playing catch-up.

It only hits harder when her attention is drawn back to the screen in front of her by a familiar set of voices, her sons. Well, not her sons, sort of her sons? Dean had said that this show practically ran word for word with what actually happened but how is that even possible? How is any of this possible? She’d have to ask when they took a break, she didn’t think Crowley would take very well to pausing the show again and as little as she cared for the demon’s comfort, she thought it best not to cause an argument. 

Trying to shake herself out of her thoughts, Mary tuned back to the screen. Unfortunately that only leads to more worrying thoughts about her family.

_‘You know, we could get day jobs every once in a while’_

_‘Hunting is our day job, and the pay is crap’_

_‘Yeah but hustling pool? Credit card scams? It’s not the most honest thing in the world Dean’_

_‘Well let’s see’_ not-Dean mimes weighing two options between his hands _‘fun and easy, it’s no contest. Besides, we’re good at it, it’s what we were raised to do’_

_‘Yeah well how we were raised was jacked’_

Unconsciously Mary’s knuckles had whitened where she was gripping onto her own thighs, Sam and Dean who seemed to be trying not to look at their mother hadn’t noticed so it was Cas who leant towards her and placed one of his hands cautiously over the one closest to him. His touch seemed to ground her and she released the vice like grip she’d had on herself. Offering up a weak smile in thanks and patting the back of the angels hand before he withdrew it and settled back into his spot. 

Thankfully the others were too distracted by Crowley’s snort of laughter as it is revealed to the group that Dean Winchester watches Oprah. Dean throws a pillow at him with a grumbled “you’d watch it too if you were stuck in motel rooms all day”

“What’s ‘Oprah’?” Mary mumbles to Cas. He may not be totally caught up with all the human intricacies like the others seem to be but she feels more comfortable admitting to him that she’s confused than she does admitting it to either of her sons or, god forbid, Crowley. 

“From what I understand ‘Oprah’ is a woman, she hosted a well known daytime talk show, mostly popular with middle aged women” he relayed the information like a textbook which left her wondering if he had ever actually seen the show or f he just knew about it through some weird ‘see all, know all’ angel thing. 

All five stay quiet as the onscreen brothers head to the neighbourhood barbeque to talk to the local land developer (the appeal obviously not having anything at all to do with the offer of free food). Crowley wisely chooses not to comment on the fact that both real estate agents mistake Sam and Dean for a couple, Dean might not have thrown something as soft as a pillow at his head for that. 

“How can you let that abomination crawl all over you Moose?!” Crowley scrunches his face in disgust as not Sam scoops a pet tarantula onto his palm. 

“The king of Hell doesn’t like spiders?” Sam asks, amused

“What? Just because I’m ‘evil’ I have to enjoy sharing my personal space with disgusting creatures like that”

“Actually spiders are relatively clean, they aren’t known to be vectors for disease unlike rodents and mosquitoes” Cas supplies, “and they are very important in keeping an ecosystem balanced”

“Well thankyou David Attenborough”

“You know that is not my name”

 

“Shhhhhhh” Mary shushes them as her onscreen sons begin talking about the father and son duo who have retreated for a ‘heated discussion’ about the pet arachnid. 

_‘Remind you of somebody?’_ pseudo Sam asks his brother _‘Dad’_ he supplies when his brother seems to be at a loss

_‘Dad never treated us like that’_

_‘Well Dad never treated you like that, you were perfect, he was all over my case… you don’t remember?’_

_‘Maybe he had to raise his voice but sometimes you were out of line’_

_‘Right… right, like when I said I’d rather play soccer than learn bow-hunting’_

_‘Bow-hunting is an important skill!’_

“Huh” actual Sam huffs “I forgot how you used to defend him like that”

“yeah well, hindsight is twenty twenty” Dean murmurs, “I believed what I was saying at the time”

“No you didn’t, deep down, you didn’t” 

Dean glances towards his brother “You’re right, I didn’t”

Mary thinks she’s going to cry. She can’t. She refuses to fall apart right now, not in front of her sons, not in front of Crowley. Later though, when she’s gone to bed and has nothing but the dark and silence for company, she knows she won’t be able to stop playing those two conversations over in her head. One happening now and one happening over a decade ago. 

How could John have done that to their boys? Bow-hunting for fucks sake. 

Crowley grimaces and barely suppresses a whole body shudder as one of the sales associates is killed in the shower, hundreds or even thousands of spiders forcing themselves out of the shower head and all over the woman’s prone, dead body. 

“I can understand why this episode rated so poorly with viewers, heart melting daddy issues aside, this is a god awful plot” Crowley jibes, trying to distract from his obvious discomfort.

The brothers roll their eyes in unison, it’s not like they had any control over whether or not the turn their lives took would be interesting to a viewing audience. 

“They really are selling the daddy issues in this one” the demon muses as not-Sam and not-Dean make their way towards the local college, box of skulls in tow. 

_‘I respected him, but no matter what I did, it was never good enough’_ not-Sam began as if on cue

_‘So what are you saying? That Dad was disappointed in you?’_

_‘Was? Is. Always has been’_

_‘Why would you think that?’_

_‘Because I didn’t want to bow-hunt or hustle pool, because I wanted to go to school and live my life which, in our wacked out family, made me the freak’_

_‘Yeah you were kinda like the blonde chick to the monsters’_ not-Dean tries to lighten the mood 

_‘Dean. Do you know what most dad’s are when their kids score a full ride? Proud. Most dad’s don’t toss their kids out of the house.’_

“Sam I…” Mary begins but doesn’t know what she can say, she knows that Sam can see the unshed tears in her eyes when he turns to look at her.

“It’s ok Mum, it was a long time ago, I got over it”

“But you could have gone to school! You could have gotten out, out of this life, out of this whole mess…”

Sam sighs and looks to his mother, “it would have caught up with me eventually, it always does”, Dean nods solemnly between them, eyes never leaving the screen where his doppelganger is still talking.

_‘Even when the two of you weren’t talking, he used to swing by Stanford whenever he could, to keep an eye on you, make sure you were safe’_

_‘What?’_

_‘Yeah’_

_‘Why didn’t he tell me any of that?’_

_‘Well it’s a two way street dude, you coulda picked up the phone’_

As the episode continues the five of them watch in silence, Mary silently grappling with the harsh reality of John’s parenting of their children. For the first time she was truly realising that she wasn’t the only one who died that night. John Winchester, the loving husband and doting father died too. He was reborn as John Winchester, the drill sergeant,  
John Winchester the hunter. 

“God you’d think this was some cheap ‘The Birds’ knockoff” Crowley sneered as the swarm of assorted bugs flew towards the suburban house “no idea why anyone would want to rip that off though, incredibly dull I thought”. The others nod in agreement, finally Mary could understand the reference. 

After about two minutes of hiding from the ever increasing swarm of insects and not-Dean making a flame thrower out of bug spray (“Surely the bug spray itself would have been just as, if not more, effective Dean”, “Yeah but Cas you’re forgetting something very important: flame throwers are cool”), the sun rises and the curse ends.

“There is no way that was six whole hours, you were barely stuffed in that corner for more than a minute!”

“It’s TV Crowley, if they showed everything in real time then the whole episode would be taken up by Dean’s morning routine”

“Hey, you shut up, oral hygiene is important”

“I was referring to the moisturising”

Dean throws his brother a look that very clearly says “Shut. Up.” As Crowley’s face lights up with glee.

As the episode winds down and the onscreen brothers drive the Impala down the road, back on the search for their father, Crowley hits pause and the image freezes. “So, mother Winchester, what do you think?” he asks, twisting his body to look at her. 

Mary’s eyes skip from the demon near Sam’s feet, up to Sam himself, then to Dean and then finally to Cas. Not quite meeting any of their eyes, eventually she settles for staring at the screen, it’s easier to watch than her sons. “It’s… a lot to process” she finally settles for, “maybe a little too much for me right now”.

She looks to her sons, imploring them to understand that she’s sorry, that she doesn’t want to leave them again but this is too much, too much. “I think I should head out, heard there might be a werewolf a few states over, someone should take care of it” she says, standing to leave. 

“We could help?” Sam asks

“No, no I think I’ve got it covered” May offers her son a smile “I’ll call you if I need the back-up”

“I’ll walk you out” Dean says, standing as well, “need to stretch my legs anyway”

Sam stands to hug his mother, she offers a wave to Cas who waves back and she and Crowley share an awkward half smile half grimace before she pulls his phone from her pocket and tosses it to the demon who catches it easily. With that, she follows Dean from the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! so this one is a little longer than usual, I just kept thinking of more things to add!
> 
> I know I said I'd try to update more regularly but unfortunately sometimes life just gets in the way, it's still my intention to get more regular with updates tho!!
> 
> thankyou so much for all the lovely comments I keep finding in my inbox, I really do appreciate your feedback and support :)
> 
> as always, I hope you enjoyed the chapter and feel free to comment and/or follow me on tumblr @trippedandfellintopurgatory :)


	14. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The mood is lightened as Missouri Mosely is introduced, telling the onscreen brothers; _‘you boys grew up handsome and’_ pointing to Dean _‘you were one goofy looking kid too’_. 
> 
> “Oh, I like her” Crowley says with a smirk

Mary and Dean make the short walk from the family room to the foot of the stairs in silence, a strange tension creeping around them that neither one can quite understand. Dean blames it on the fact that he’s currently trying to convince himself that he hasn’t managed to push his mother further away by asking her to stay, Mary is silently doing her best to quash the thought that she’s once again running from her problems. Neither of them are particularly successful in their endeavours.

They pause when they reach the base of the stairs leading up and out of the bunker, “Mum” Dean breathes at the same time that Mary sighs “Dean”. 

“You first” Dean says, a smile playing at the corner of his mouth

She returns the smile weakly before the words come rushing out “This isn’t me running away” she implores, trying to sound convincing and almost succeeding. “I just… every time I think I’ve almost caught up, something happens and I realise that I was entirely oblivious to something that should have been obvious, things a mother should know about her kids…” she pauses before adding in a quieter voice “things a wife should know about her husband…”.

Dean watches her face carefully, searching for a hint of a breakdown and steeling himself to pick up the pieces if she starts to fall apart. That’s something he’s always been good at, fixing things that are broken. Doing his best to ignore the little voice in his head that tells him he’s the reason they’re broken in the first place. Patching people and machines alike with duct-tape, dental floss and consoling words.

“I just need some more time to adjust” Mary keeps talking, pulling him from his thoughts “I know, I sound like a broken record but I promise I am trying” 

Dean nods slowly “it’s ok, I get it, seeing all of this” he waves his hand about vaguely “it’s a lot for us and we already know what happens next” 

Mary smiles, glad that Dean at least seems to understand that she’s not trying to distance herself, she just needs time. “Maybe… maybe it would help for me to see? I don’t think I can watch it in a group like that but by myself…?” she trails off leaving her question open.

“I’ll text you the details for our Netflix account, you can watch at your own pace” Dean agrees, pulling out his mobile and opening his text messages “just uhhhhhh skip through any Xrated stuff” he blushes as he types out the account details “we haven’t come across anything in the first few episodes but there are some things mothers should not know about their kids” 

Mary scrunches her nose “agreed” she says as her phone beeps with the incoming message from Dean

“And just… call me, if you need to talk about any of it… I mean you don’t have to but if you want” he adds, satisfied that Mary is obviously doing her best to catch herself up on everything in a way that will keep her from having some kind of emotional breakdown. 

“I’ll call you later” Mary promises, smiling as she turns to start her way up the stairs.

Dean watches her all the way to the top before he turns and heads back towards the family room, he can hear laughter which is a promising sign as he gently pushes the door open. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting to walk back into but this certainly isn’t it. 

“There is no way that Feathers is a more popular character than me!” Crowley is arguing from his lounging position on the beanbag “I mean come on, goody toe shoes ‘angel of the lord’ or literal king of Hell??? No contest”

“Are you serious Crowley?” Sam protests “he’s literally a million years old, or older, he witnessed creation itself. Way more interesting than whatever deals your demons are making downstairs, right Dean?” he asks as he spots his brother moving from the door way back to his designated place on the couch.

“Nope, I’m not getting in the middle of this one” he says, glancing at Cas who just rolls his eyes good naturedly “’Goody toe shoes’ though Crowley? You’ve met Cas right? Since when did he ever do what he was told, dude can’t follow instructions for his life” he smiles as he says it, the sudden image of Cas trying to put IKEA furniture together forming in the forefront of his mind. Eyes squinty, brows scrunched, head tilted one way, instructions tilted the other while screws and bolts and various pieces of cheap materials are strewn around in some kind of pattern only decipherable by the angel himself. 

“That’s your bad influence showing Winchester” Crowley jibes, pulling him back to the present with an eyeroll and a piece of popcorn lobbed in Deans general direction. 

“I’m very good at following instructions…” Cas mumbles, frowning slightly to himself.

“Sure you are Cas” Sam consoles him 

“I’m sure we’ll get some definitive proof as we continue to watch the show” the angel nods seriously, hitting play as he speaks. Obviously he’s decided that the easiest way to prove his point is to show it. Dean spares him a glance as the ‘previously on Supernatural’ section plays, he’s not sure how his friend is going to handle watching himself choose rebellion after that conversation. 

The four of them fall into a comfortable silence as the first few scenes play out before them. Sam and Dean share a glance as the destination ‘Lawrence, Kansas’ is displayed across the bottom of the screen, suddenly they’re both glad that Mary had decided to sit this one out.

Cas can feel the tense shift in Dean’s posture as the young mother discovers a box of memorabilia in her new basement, what looks like a fathers’ day card with the word ‘DAD’ in messy block letters coloured across the front, pictures of John? He glances across the room at his friends faces, even in the dim light he can see the pain there, he wonders if they ever got those pictures back. Or the card, or any of it, he hopes so. 

“So this is the original casa del Winchester I assume” Crowley says to no one in particular, Dean nods but Sam is lost in the image on the screen in front of them. A photograph of John.

“I don’t think I ever saw him smile like that, like he was really happy, not even once” he says under his breath “it’s so weird to think that this must be how Mum remembers him, almost unrecognisable to us”

“yeah well shit happens I guess” Dean grumbles, unlike Sam he can remember this John. This is the John that was his dad. The John Sam knew wasn’t really a dad, he was their father biologically sure but not their dad. As far as Dean was concerned, that title went to Bobby. 

There was a weird sort of vibe in the room as pseudo-Sam’s vision played out on the screen, even more so as he and not-Dean began to butt heads over the visions themselves. This episode was likely going to touch some raw nerves and all of them were acutely aware of it. All four being masters of burying their problems and keeping on keeping on meant that even though they’d gotten through these problems, they’d never really addressed them. 

As the on screen brothers are invited into their old home Cas and Crowley can’t help but drink in every detail of their surroundings. This is the place it all began after all. Without what happened in that house neither of them would have experienced humanity in the way that they had, their entire outlook on the world would have been vastly different. They may be keeping it to themselves but this place holds deep significance for all four of them.

“You called Dad about this?” Sam asks as he watches his brothers look alike pull out his mobile under the pre-tense of going to the bathroom, “you never told me that”

“Yeah well do I look like I wanted to talk about it?” Dean asks, pointing to himself welling up on screen “I was spiralling man, I didn’t know what to do and I wasn’t about to let you see me break” 

“You still should have told me, bottling up your emotions like that… we could’ve worked through it together”

“No, Sam. We couldn’t have.”

“Why not?”

Dean takes a steadying breath and presses fingers to each side of his temple. “Because you would have hated him more, for not answering, if you knew I’d tried to call him and you knew he wasn’t picking up. You would have hated him more. Everything was so broken already, there was no way I was adding fuel to that fire”.

Dean glances towards his brother but Sam won’t meet his eye, thinking back, he knows his brother is probably right. He had been so angry all the time and knowing would only have made him angrier.

“Besides” Dean continues “You had me to lean on but I couldn’t lean on you” Sam snaps his head up, mouth open in protest but Dean speaks over his stutters. “You’d just lost Jess, you’d lost your chance at your dream job, I’d uprooted your whole life and then I find out you’re getting these weird ass visions? That you actually dreamt about Jess dying before it happened? As if I was gonna put any of my crap on your plate. I was the one who needed Dad’s backup on this one, it was my call to make”.

Sam nods in resignation, even if they weren’t in a position to talk about it then at least they could be more open now.

The mood is lightened as Missouri Mosely is introduced, telling the onscreen brothers; _‘you boys grew up handsome and’_ pointing to Dean _‘you were one goofy looking kid too’_. 

“Oh, I like her” Crowley says with a smirk 

_‘boy you put your foot on my coffee table Imma whack you with a spoon’_

_‘I didn’t do anything’_

_‘well you were thinking about it’_

“I think I’ll send her a basket of minimuffins” 

“shut up Crowley” Dean mumbles while Sam and Cas fail to suppress their grins. 

The group falls quiet as Missouri talks about John in the aftermath of the fire, how he hoped she would be able to tell him what had killed his wife.  
The silence continues, turning tense as they watch a supernatural force lure the youngest child now living in the house towards the fridge, shutting him inside. 

“God, no wonder she was stressed when we showed up, she’d just pulled her kid out the fridge” Sam muses. 

“Why did the child climb into the fridge?” Cas asks, confusion evident in his voice “his arms aren’t that small, he could have just taken the juice out”

“I dunno Cas, kids just do weird shit sometimes, you shoulda seen Sam when there was something between him and a box of Lucky Charms… I used to have to hide the box and set boobytraps so that he wouldn’t just eat the whole box in one go” Dean grins remembering his kid brothers antics.

“I was not that bad”

“C’mon Sam yes you were, that’s probably why you insist on so much bloody rabbit food now, tryna undo the damage from the first eight years of your life”

“Dean what in Hell’s name are you doing?” Crowley’s outburst interrupts Sam before he can respond “did you seriously just _lick_ cross road dirt?” he asks incredulously, pointing at the screen “I’ve seen you put some questionable things in your mouth but cross road dirt?”

Sam’s eyes go wide at Crowley’s comment and Cas opens his mouth as if he’s going to ask a question but Dean clears his throat before either of them can dwell on that too long. With a pointed look at Crowley he ignores the ‘questionable things’ comment and shrugs, gesturing at each of the others as he lists “demon blood, human blood, literally every soul and monster in Purgatory” then pointing to himself “Cross road dirt, but yeah, you’re right, I am the gross one here” he finishes with an eyeroll, leaning back into the couch.

Dean’s point made he turns his attention back to the screen where pseudo-Sam is being strangled by a power cord. Dean’s on-screen self kicks a hole in the dry wall and throws the last hex bag through, dispelling the poltergeist from the house and loosening the cord from Sam’s neck.

There’s nothing more to say as the on-screen brothers keep watch over the house to make sure there’s no longer any danger. As per Sam’s vision of course, they see the young mother beating on the window in an attempt to escape. 

_'take your brother outside as fast as you can, don’t look back'_

“Sam, did you really say that to her?” Dean asks “those exact words?”

“uh, yeah I guess? I mean, everything else has been crazy accurate so why wouldn’t that be?” 

“yeah… I guess” 

“what?”

“I dunno man it’s just, you practically quoted Dad without even knowing it… it’s just weird”

“Weird is a relative term when it comes to the two of you” Cas points out, eyes not leaving the screen as Pseudo-Mary appears before them “do you think she remembers this? It didn’t happen to her physical form, only her spirit, would she still remember it now that she is resurrected?” 

“Huh, I never thought about it” Sam muses aloud “I guess not, surely she would have mentioned it?”

“The last memory she had of us when she woke up was from before she died” Dean supplies “I asked her in the graveyard, wondered if any of the times we’d met her in the past actually stuck in her brain” 

Cas smiles a little to himself as he sees that his friends did in fact get to keep the pictures he had wondered about at the start of the episode, they must be in the bunker somewhere. If he asked maybe he could see them.

_'Don’t you boys be strangers!'_

_'We won’t'_

“Oh shit. Sam, remind me later, we should really call Missouri”

“Yeah, you don’t say” Sam huffs out in a laugh.

As the episode winds down, Missouri is shown back at her house, speaking to none other than John Winchester.

“Dad was there?!” Sam says in shock

“The whole time… that bastard, couldn’t have dropped by to tell us he was fine”

“Dean –“

“No Sam. You didn’t defend him before he died, don’t start a decade after”

Sam snaps his mouth shut, knowing better than to poke that bees nest. As the episode ends, it’s Crowley who breaks the silence. “So. Moose did suggest we take a break two episodes ago, perhaps it’s time we take his advice?” he leans back to look at the others from his low vantage point. 

“Good call” Sam says, slapping his hands against his thighs and pushing himself out of the armchair “Dean did you wanna make lunch or should I make a pizza run?”

“I vote pizza, we just cleaned the kitchen and there’s no way I’m doing the dishes twice in twelve hours”

“Pizza it is, any requests?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! so I know I said I'd be trying to have more regular updates but, y'know, life happens I guess haha
> 
> hope you like this one in anycase xx 
> 
> kudos and comments are incredible and if you wanna hit me up on tumblr you can find me at trippedandfellintopurgatory :)


	15. Pizza Party for Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean turns to leave with a half wave over his shoulder mumbling something about “I don’t need a babysitter” and “the laxatives were only _one_ time” as he heads out of the library and towards the stairs leading up to the outside world.

A full forty five minutes later the four of them are still huddled around Sam’s laptop in the library, bickering over what to order. 

“Cas, what are you doing man?! Pineapple does not belong on a pizza!” Dean exclaims in shock and disgust as the angel hovers the curser over the extra toppings option. 

“Why not? Surely the sweetness of the fruit would favourably counteract the saltiness of the ham”

“Whatever, fruit does not belong on pizza”

“and yet you have no aversion to the tomato base”

“for a guy without functioning tastebuds you sure seem to have a lot of opinions”

“for a human who exercises regularly you seem to have a lot of cholesterol, maybe some fruit mixed into your cheese covered monstrosity would help with that”

“ooooooooooooh burn” Crowley rolls his eyes while Sam uses the others’ momentary distraction to wrest back control of his laptop and hit ‘proceed to check out’.  
Punching in the numbers to one of their many credit cards Sam addresses the group, “who wants to be on pick up duty?” when he’s met with only silence he sighs and looks to the other three “what? It’s not like I can put ‘secret underground bunker, Kansas’ as the delivery address”

“I’ll go” Dean volunteers “I need to stretch my legs anyway”

“I’ll accompany Squirrel here, make sure nothing unsavoury happens to the rest of our food while we aren’t around” Crowley offers “I’ve heard enough about your ‘harmless pranks’ to know I’d rather not be on the receiving end of one” he finishes with an over dramatic shudder 

Dean turns to leave with a half wave over his shoulder mumbling something about “I don’t need a babysitter” and “the laxatives were only _one_ time” as he heads out of the library and towards the stairs leading up to the outside world. 

__“I’d tell you not to have too much fun while we’re gone but I doubt that either of you would know how to have fun even if you tried”_ _

__“I can be fu – “ Cas starts but the demon has already winked and disappeared with a smirk_ _

__“aaaaaand he’s gone” Sam huffs “typical”_ _

__“I can be fun” Cas mumbles under his breath_ _

__Sam reaches over and pats his friend gently on the arm, “don’t let him get to you”_ _

__“I’ll do my best”_ _

__Sam nods, knowing he probably won’t get anything much better out of his friend, not when it came to putting up with Crowley anyway. He’s about to open up his email to re-check if there were any hunts around their area when he catches a glimpse of Cas in his peripheral vision. He looks miserable. This is not the time for checking emails, Sam shuts his laptop with a decisive ‘click’ and swivels in his chair to get a better look at the angel seated next to him._ _

__He and Cas are not as close to each other as either of them are to Dean, but regardless, they’ve known each other for over ten years, they’ve fought together too many times to count and (most importantly) they’re friends._ _

__“Hey Cas? I think I could do with stretching my legs as well, did you wanna come for a walk?”_ _

__“where?” Cas asks, tilting his head to the side as if he was trying to understand some point that he’d missed_ _

__“uh, anywhere? There are a few walking trails around the bunker I’ve been meaning to check out for a while”_ _

__“Sam, given the circumstances I really don’t think that this is the time for leisurely walks”_ _

__“Is this about Kelly and her baby?”_ _

__“No, it’s about Kelly and her _Nephilim_ , I have to find her again befo-“__

____“You mean _‘we’ _, we have to find her again.” Sam interjects “this isn’t just your responsibility Cas, you don’t have to do it all by yourself”___ _ _ _

______Cas doesn’t reply, but looks sullenly at his hands, folded in his lap_ _ _ _ _ _

______“How long have you been stuffed away in that room staring at the wall and hoping for a lead to turn up?” Cas opens his mouth to reply but Sam cuts him off with a wave of his hand “it’s a rhetorical question dude and the answer is ‘too damn long’”. He pauses to take a breath before continuing in what he hopes is a soothing tone, trying to mimic what he remembers of the better school counsellors he’d met “perseverance is important Cas, but taking a break and looking after yourself is important too. If you force yourself to just keep going, and going, and going then eventually you’re going to burn yourself out, trust me”._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Sam if we don’t find Kelly before she gives birth then it won’t matter if I’ve burnt myself out, this Nephilim could burn _the universe_ out”___ _ _ _

________“Well it sounds like either way you end up burnt out and believe me Cas, the universe wouldn’t be _the universe_ without you in it” ___ _ _ _ _ _

__________For the first time in the conversation, Cas lifts his head to look Sam properly in the eye. “Thankyou Sam but I think the universe would survive just fine” there’s finality in his tone and Sam knows that this is the end of this particular conversational topic, at least for the day. He makes a mental note to talk to Dean later about how they could actually prove to Cas that they not only need him around, but want him. That without him, their universe really wouldn’t be the same. If he really thinks about it, he knows that after a little bit of time he would learn to get on with it the same way he had done after the deaths of each one of their other friends. Dean however… Sam remembered how distraught he was when he had thought he’d left Cas trapped in Purgatory, he would give almost anything to make sure his brother never had to go through that loss again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“C’mon Cas, let’s go for that walk”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________******_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“So… I couldn’t help but notice that mummy dearest was quick to evacuate, how’s everyone feeling about that?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Shut it Crowley, what do you care?” Dean mutters, white-knuckling the steering wheel and determinedly staring down the tarmac._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Just making conversation, thought you might want to talk about it”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Not with you”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Oh come on Squirrel, don’t be like that, there’s no one else around – you don’t have to pretend like you absolutely detest me – we haven’t even _tried _to kill eachother in days!” Crowley says in a mock sweet voice which grates even more on Dean’s nerves (exactly as it was designed to).___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I said shut it Crowley”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Fine, fine, we can sit in morose silence then” he says, raising his hands to his chest in a mock surrender._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Dean huffs, for once not taking his eyes form the road ahead and ignoring Crowley who’s fiddling incessantly with the buttons of his suit sleeves. Truth be told, he does want to talk about his mum, his dad too. Watching this show has really brought some stuff up that he hasn’t let himself think about in years… to be fair, even if he had wanted to think about it, it’s not like he’d exactly had plenty of time for quiet stints of contemplation. Before he can register what he’s doing, his mouth has started moving without his brain’s consent – “I just don’t know how to help her man, she must be so lost, honestly it’s a miracle that she’s adjusted this well and I’m worried! I’m worried that overloading her will send her into some kind of meltdown and she’s not going to be able to cope, what if she leaves for good?”._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Dean leaves the sentence hanging, he doesn’t really know why he even said that much, to Crowley of all people (or, not-people, depending on how you want to look at it). But the demon surprises him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“She’s not going to leave for good, I can tell you that much”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Oh what, because you two are so close now?” Dean asks sarcastically, already regretting that he let himself be that vulnerable in front of Crowley._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Because she’s nothing like my mother” he says it like a fact, probably because it is one, “both of them have had to make hard choices but your mother was taken by force and she came back to you the very second she got the chance – we both saw her protecting you and Samuel from that poltergeist, even if she doesn’t remember doing it” he pauses for breath (and dramatic effect because, well, it is Crowley) “then there’s my own delightful mother, who not only chose to give me up and run but also avoided coming back – sure she had her reasons but the point stands, Mary Winchester is not the same kind of mother as Rowena Macleod”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Dean sits quietly as Crowley speaks his piece. Losing himself in a moment of contemplation, then - “Yeah well, that pizza isn’t gonna drive itself home” he says, his tone softer than usual, effectively ending the conversation. Not that he would actually say it but he appreciated Crowley’s company in that moment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Crowley turns to look out the passenger side window so that Dean doesn’t see the small pleased smile that’s snuck onto his face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________******  
“There’s an entire vegetable garden up there, it’s crazy” Sam recounts to his three companions as Dean opens the pizza boxes and Cas digs out paper towels to wipe the grease from their fingers. “Can’t believe we never thought about it before but I guess the Men of Letters couldn’t just survive on takeaway forever, they do have a pretty well equipped kitchen – maybe they liked to cook?” _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“it’s very overgrown now” Cas adds, the walk with Sam and their discovery has obviously perked his mood up from the sullenness of before “it would take some effort to get it back up to working order but the soil is rich and filled with nutrients, it would do well with some ‘TLC’” he emphasises with air-quotes “that’s an acronym for Tender Loving Care” he clarified, tilting his head towards Crowley who widens his eyes and nods slowly as if he hadn’t already known. Cas looks proud of himself for sharing his new knowledge so none of them comment on the exchange._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Anyway, point is, I thought we could start it back up again? It’d save us cash on groceries and we could experiment with medicinal herbs, maybe come up with new remedies for different bites”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Sounds good Sammy” Dean says reaching for the first slice of pizza “you can farm, I can cook and on Sundays we can take our goods to the local farmers market” he rolls his eyes and grins through an obnoxiously big mouthful of pizza._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Dean I’m serious, I was talking to Cas and we reckon we can really pull it off, it would make getting specialised spell ingredients so much easier and – “_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Dude. I’m serious too, do you know how much you can sell ‘organic artisanal jam’ for?? We could stop running credit card scams”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I swear on Hell, if someone had told me yesterday that I would hear Dean Winchester talking about making and selling his own line of _organic artisanal jams_ I would have laughed in their face” Crowley says deadpan “is that really how you’re going to fund your retirement?”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“why not? My joints are gonna give out eventually and I’m gonna have to do something to keep myself busy”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I can see it now _‘Winchester and Co. Organic Artisanal Jams and Preserves’_ , it’s a working title” the demon smirks. ___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“If you really wanted you could combine hunting with the culinary arts” Cas interjects “you could use holy water, infuse various herbs that are safe for humans but lethal to monsters, silver plated jar lids”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“New title: _‘Winchester Jams of Death: revenge never tasted so sweet’ _” it’s perfect” Crowley smiles, pleased with himself “on a sidenote: remind me to never eat anything you’ve prepared out of my line of sight”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________The four share a laugh muffled by mouthfuls of pizza, even Castiel and Crowley have taken to eating so as not to feel weirdly left out. The conversation stays light and mostly consists of various ideas for jam flavours (Cranberry infused with Wolfsbane and Rose water, for sweetness, is Dean’s personal favourite of the suggestions and he makes a mental note to actually try it out when he gets a break) and working titles for their new baked goods stand which they’re all actually quite liking the idea of. Soon the pizza lunch has been demolished and the boxes stacked in the corner ready to be taken out with the other recyclables and the conversation turns back to the reason they’re all there. Supernatural._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“So what’s the next episode Crowley?” Sam asks from his position reclining in one of the seats at their small table._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Asylum” Crowley supplies, reading the episode list from his phone “let me guess, you two morons end up in an asylum???”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Sounds like something we’d do” Dean grins_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Shall we continue watching?” Cas asks, motioning towards the door_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________The others nod and the four make their way out of the kitchen and down the hall towards the family room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, it's been a while, life just gets like that sometimes - hope you like it :)
> 
> as always, feel free to comment and/or follow me on tumblr @trippedandfellintopurgatory :)


	16. Asylum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I bet he’s possessed”
> 
> “Dean, you know he was possessed, this was our case”
> 
> “Hey it’s been a while, I might have forgotten!”
> 
> “Ok Grandpa”
> 
> Sam gets a pillow thrown at his head.

A few minutes later, the unlikely party had made its way back to the family room and each member was settling into their prospective seats. Making themselves comfortable as they all start to slip into a slightly sleepy state of contentment, surrounded by pillows and blankets, now with full stomachs to add an extra feeling of warmth.

“At risk of agreeing with Crowley” Sam ribs good naturedly, poking the back of the demon’s beanbag with his foot “I think we might actually be able to watch the whole season in one go, we’re already up to episode ten and that’s almost halfway”. 

“See? Look what happens when you give my ideas a chance! Honestly I think a lot of your frankly idiotic plans would have gone a lot better if you buffoons had only listened to my constructive criticism” Crowley retorts with a grin of his own. Dean and Cas share a look, a smirk, and an eyeroll and Sam kicks the beanbag again for good measure. Picking up the remote from the arm of the couch, Sam selects the next episode before anymore bickering distracts them from the actual reason they’re all sitting there. Alas;

“All I’m saying is that maybe my ideas should get a little more credit during group discussions” Crowley speaks over the beginning of the re-cap “never know when they might turn out even better than you thought”

Dean huffs a laugh as he leans back into the couch, feet on the coffee table (his bunker, his rules), and arms crossed comfortably over his chest “sure Crowley, next time your plans don’t involve intentional disembowelment of one of us or – “

“Or me posing as an erotic dancer” Cas interjects seriously

“exactly! Or – wait” Dean pauses, he and Sam both turning bodily in their seats to look between Cas and Crowley “what the hell are you talking about?!”

Crowley has positively burst into laughter, tears welling in the corners of his eyes “I forgot about that” he coughs out breathlessly. 

“Anyone wanna fill us in?” Sam asks incredulously, looking to Cas for an answer because Crowley was lost to a fresh wave of hysteria

Castiel sighs and folds his hands in his lap, looking up at the brothers, eyes flickering between their faces “well it was when we were searching for Lucifer and we had tracked down a potential witness to a smiting in the area –“

“we show up to the house” Crowley interrupts, keen to tell the story himself “and we can hear all sorts of yelling inside, obviously our first thought is that Lucifer is inside murdering our witness so 

Wings here practically bashes the door in like he has some kind of personal vendetta against them and charges in-“ he has to pause for breath, struggling not to laugh “- and it’s a bachelorette party” 

Neither brother would believe it if they hadn’t seen it themselves, but Cas wasn’t denying it which meant that Crowley’s retelling wasn’t even embellishing the story.

“So in what I can only assume was an attempt to recover himself he pulls out his badge, _upside down_ I might add, and says” Crowley pauses to deepen his voice to an imitation of Castiel’s “hello… I’m Agent Beyoncé” he just manages to get it out before he’s consumed by a fit of what sounds like half laughter and half hiccups.

“It might have worked if you hadn’t introduced yourself as my manager and asked who ordered the strip-o-gram!!” Cas complains indignantly as Sam splutters and turns his face down to hide his growing smile. Dean reaches along the couch to pat Cas on the shoulder.

“Sorry buddy but that’s hilarious” he says, not even trying to hide his grin. 

“The point is that there is a very good reason why we don’t rely on your plans _Fergus_ ” Cas grumbles, crossing his arms and pulling his legs up so he can sit cross-legged on the couch (he really is enjoying the freedom that comes from not wearing business pants at all times). 

“God who do you think you are? My mother?”

“I have never given birth to or adopted a child so, no, I do not think that I’m your mother”

“The biology lesson nobody asked for” the demon grins and turns his attention back to the television that despite Sam’s best efforts they had all but forgotten, his face finally losing the bright red flush of laughter.

“I –“ Cas begins but Crowley shushes him loudly 

“I’m trying to watch”

Sam flashes Cas a smile of solidarity and Dean pats him on the knee “don’t worry, I’ve got plenty of dirt on him, I’ll fill you in later” he mutters out the corner of his mouth and finishes with a toothy smile and a wink. Cas returns the gesture with a shy smile of his own, his heart beating a fraction faster than it had been just a moment ago.

The four of them have all tuned in just in time to see a policeman, new to the town, investigating an abandoned room inside Roosevelt Asylum. His flashlight suddenly going out while his partner is distracted, ushering the trespassing kids back out into the night. When the two officers reunite outside, it’s clear that something is off.

“I bet he’s possessed”

“Dean, you know he was possessed, this was our case”

“Hey it’s been a while, I might have forgotten!”

“Ok Grandpa”

Sam gets a pillow thrown at his head. 

The room goes quiet as the possessed officer shoots his wife and then himself, “told you he was possessed” Dean mumbles.

“Yes and we’re all very proud of you” Cas murmurs back

“Shut up Cas” Dean huffs out, stealing a side glance at the small smile playing on his friends face, before returning his attention to the screen before him. Their onscreen counterparts having received a mysterious text message containing coordinates that not-Dean is deadset sure could be their best lead to finding their father, the boys (despite not-Sam’s reluctance) have made their way to Rockford Illinois.

“Nice going with the good cop, bad cop routine boys” Crowley gives a rare piece of praise as they watch the brother’s doppelgangers tag-team an interview with the deceased cop’s partner “getting a tad rough there though Samantha, might want to be careful or someone might think you’re actually frustrated”

“No offense Crowley but you’re kind of the last person I’d take anger management advice from” 

“No offense taken but, then again, I don’t think you could ever quite understand what it’s like having to deal with all the drama of petty middleclass demons day in and day out” he shakes his head “you should be impressed by my self-control”

“Maybe but, then again, I don’t think that you could ever quite understand what it’s like having to share a backseat with Dean for the bigger part of twenty years, definitely more irritating than any demon drama”

“touché, I spent all of a few weeks in close quarters with him and nearly murdered him on a multitude of occasions”

“Yeah, yeah, I would have liked to see you try Crowley” Dean puts in, still half watching the show

“Honestly Sam, you should have heard the karaoke, the endless karaoke”

“That’s how you spent your free time?” Cas asks “deafening people in karaoke bars?”

“I was a demon! I was doing whatever I wanted”

“And what you wanted was to torture people, I understand that, but through the power of your vocal chords?” Cas asks incredulously

“credit for originality” Sam offers while Dean splutters, trying to defend his singing abilities. It might all be fun and games right now but not so long ago he and Cas were wreck’s trying to find Dean while he was off on his rampage. To find out that his brother had spent a significant amount of time just singing bad karaoke was a bit of a kick in the guts. He wondered how Dean would feel seeing how sick with worry, and in general, he and Cas were while he was out partying. Not that his brother was really himself at the time but still… it would be hard, for all of them. At least they had a few seasons to go before they reached that point, hell they might not even be covered that far. He decides not to think about it too much right now, it’s beginning to look like all of their baggage will come up eventually. 

Onscreen, the brothers are investigating the asylum. Working their way through the building to find where the most activity (and deaths) have happened in recent years. The South Wing. As they investigate one of the rooms, some kind of surgical facility, the real Sam realises he was right – all of their baggage would be coming up eventually.

_‘Dean… when are we gonna talk about it?’_

_‘Talk about what?’_

_‘The fact that Dad’s not here’_

_‘Oh, uhhhhhh let’s see. Never.’_

_‘I’m being serious man’_

_‘So am I Sam. Look he sent us here, he obviously wants us here, we’ll just have to pick up the search later’_

_‘It doesn’t matter what he wants’_

_‘See that attitude right there? That is why I always got the extra cookie.’_

_‘Dad could be in trouble, we should be looking for him, we deserve some answers Dean I mean, this is our family we’re talking about’_

_‘I understand that Sam, but he’s given us an order’_

_‘So what we gotta always follow Dad’s orders?’_

_‘Of course we do.’_

In real time, Sam looks to his older brother who seems to be lost in the scene. “You ok Dean?”

Dean’s reaction is delayed and he shakes himself slightly before glancing over at Sam and then back to the screen, like he isn’t quite sure that what he saw was real. “Was I really that short sighted? Did I really follow Dad that blindly?”

“Well… yeah, obviously”

“I uhh, I’m sorry Sam, that’s just… hearing it back like that…”

“It’s exactly the reason why you encouraged me to rebel” Cas points out “You were angry that all I did was follow my father’s orders instead of thinking for myself and doing what I thought was right”

Dean looks to his friend “Sorry for being such a hypocrite”

“Consider it forgotten” Cas smiles.

“Don’t stress about it Dean” Sam pipes back up “I forgave you a long time ago, you grew up a lot and stepped out of Dad’s shadow a bit, especially after he died”

Dean nods but doesn’t respond, seemingly lost in thought. Until not-Sam is talking to a local psychiatrist, trying to gather information on the Doctor’s father (former head of staff at the old asylum).

_‘Now I’ll make ya a deal, I’ll tell you all about the Roosevelt Riot if you tell me something honest about yourself. Like, uh, this brother you’re road tripping with. How d’you really feel about him?’_

The show doesn’t detail what Sam says but that’s not the point.

“Was I really that bad? Am I really that bad? That you had to actually talk to a psychiatrist about me Sam?” Dean sounds like he’s a mix of defensive, hurt and, surprised. “Did I seriously drive you that nutty that you had to seek professional help just to cope with my bullshit?”

“Look Dean, you heard the guy, he offered a good deal and I took it. And yeah, at the time, we were going through some stuff – arguing a lot – so sue me, it felt good to get some of it off my chest”

“I don’t understand why you didn’t just talk to me”

“I _tried_ Dean, we just saw me trying to talk to you, about Dad, you totally shut me down” Sam pauses to breathe, calming himself down to prevent having an all out argument over a long dead issue “Look. Yes I should have talked to you, about how I was feeling, but you should have made more of an effort to listen to me the few times I did. Neither of us are exactly innocent here”

“Yeah well, just promise me that from now on you’ll talk to me about it ok?”

“I’ll talk to you about it sure but Dean, psychologists and counsellors can be really helpful and I’m not going to promise that I’ll never see one again” Sam says seriously “honestly all of us could probably really benefit from it, the crap we’ve seen, it’d do a number on anyone eventually”

Cas and even Crowley nod in agreeance with Sam, Dean sighs knowing he’s not going to win this one. Besides, Sam’s not actually wrong. Dean just hasn’t had the same kind of experiences with counsellors, the only one’s he remembers were from schools he only attended one or two weeks before moving on to the next place and none of them really made much of an impact on him. They all just wanted him to talk about how he was feeling, but how was he supposed to tell them? Oh yeah, my dad’s a professional monster assassin and I’m kinda bummed because it means we have to keep moving around and I never have any friends, and everything is terrifying? Yeah, no. To be fair, he never really gave them a chance, he knew his dad would move him straight on before they could even barely get to know him anyway. What was the point in opening up when it would only drag up emotions he was doing his best to keep from consuming him?

Dean is pulled from his spiralling thoughts by the realisation that Sam is still talking “…anyway, my point is that it might not hurt to look into it, I used to see a counsellor at Stanford when the workload was getting intense and I felt like I was going to fall apart – they can help you to find strategies that really help you get back in control of your life – could be good for Mum”

“Yeah, ok Sammy” Dean relents, not willing to admit that he’d been so distracted by his childhood memories that he’d missed probably eighty percent of what Sam had been saying. At least he caught the summary at the end there. 

Speaking of things he should have been paying more attention to, he leans to the side to whisper to Cas “what’ve I missed?”

“Well the two of you learned about the revolt of the patients of the asylum and about the undiscovered bodies, two youths broke back into the South Wing, one of them accidentally kissed a mutilated spirit and now your counterparts are re-investigating” he recounts quietly “the two youths are still at large”

“You make them sound like criminals” 

“They did break and enter, technically they are criminals Dean”

“Barely” Dean mutters out the corner of his mouth with a smile “you should have seen the stuff I was getting up to when I was their age”

“I’m sure I would be horrified” Cas rolls his eyes with a fond smile at his friends antics.

They both turn back to the screen to see the pseudo-Winchesters discovering one of the youths, Kat. A few moments later and they’ve found her missing boyfriend (Gavin) as well. There’s nothing much to add as the episode unfolds before them, Gavin telling not-Sam that the spirit he saw was trying to whisper something to him. Even Crowley jumps as one of the spirits forcefully throws Kat into an old cell and traps her there, not relinquishing her until she faces him and lets him give her a message: _‘137’_.

Soon pseudo-Sam has been lured to the basement and possessed by the spirit of Dr. Ellicot, who not-Dean has learned was performing secret procedures on his patients, causing them to riot in the first place. The possession, not-Dean deduces, much like the procedures causes the victims to reach homicidal levels of rage to the point where they attempt to murder anyone in their vicinity at the slightest provocation. His theory is confirmed as pseudo-Sam turns the gun on him.

_‘Sam, we gotta burn Ellicot’s bones and all this will be over, and you’ll be back to normal’_

_‘I am normal. I’m just telling the truth for the first time. I mean why are we even here?! Cause you’re following Dad’s orders like a good little soldier? Cause you always do what he says without question? Are you that desperate for his approval?!’_

_‘this isn’t you talking Sam’_

_‘That’s the difference between you and me, I have a mind of my own, I’m not pathetic like you’_

“Dean” Sam starts “I’m sorry I-“

“Don’t, Sam. Just don’t. It wasn’t you talking” Dean gives him a small smile and turns his attention back to the scene before them, effectively shutting down what he’s sure would have been a heartfelt apology, but it was one he was also sure he didn’t need to hear. There was nothing to forgive. Sure his brother would have been frustrated with him, hell, watching it back made him frustrated with himself! But there’s no way Sam would have ever told him he was pathetic like that, no way.

The episode is reaching it’s climax now and all four are tense as they watch Dean’s look-a-like searching the secret surgery for Dr Ellicot’s remains. Finally discovering them locked away in a cupboard. Dousing the body in salt and petrol he barely manages to light it as he is assaulted and pinned down by the spirit in question. 

As the body burns and the episode winds down, pseudo-Sam does offer not-Dean an apology, which he refuses in much the same way the actual Dean refused the apology his brother offered him minutes ago – both Dean’s seem to agree that there’s really no need to apologise for something you didn’t do. 

The episode ends with not-Sam answering the phone with a tension building _‘Dad?’_ the four companions stretch their stiff legs, arms and necks, shuffling around after sitting too long in one position.

“Well.” Crowley speaks after a moment “what a cliff-hanger that is”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey so this is a bit longer than usual, I kept going off track haha, I'm not super happy with the pacing towards the end but I kind of ran out of things to say and I'd rather push through to the next one and hope I find some more inspiration there :)
> 
> as always, hope you enjoyed it and feel free to comment/follow me on tumblr @trippedandfellintopurgatory :)


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